[[*...pOOh..eeu..n mi...*]]

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

before i started on anything else,i want to say thank you to all those who were there for me in my toughest time.those who met me personally,those who stayed up late with me,and for just being there.thank you.

i would be very thankful if everyone could keep it to themselves cause i dont need un-deserving people to know anything.sorry for the words,if i did hurt anyone,but i dont wish to make matters big and have people circulating nonsense.

it started on the wrong note yesterday.only God knows what i was feeling.i pulled myself together,doing pretty well the whole time.i dont always get the chance to spend with the girlfriends,and meeting them was really nice.i cried on the bus home.i didnt want to.but i just did.and i am so angry at myself.

i was tired.but i still came online,and started doing the stuffs for bro.i changed my MSN nick.got the attention of someone.and we chatted frm there.thats when i got to know of a deep secret which hurts like no other.thank you for telling me.i didnt know what to do or feel then.i was suffocated,and couldnt breathe when i was talking to someone on the phone thereafter.forced myself to sleep at four after we hang up.

it was a day full of incidents.but really sweetheart.thanks for telling me the truth even though you know how much it'll hurt me.i wont mention your name for certain purposes,you know who you are.

i pulled myself again today when i took out the box to find the rings boxes.i've kept the rings which i've worn for years.i even read the letters he wrote me back then when we were in secondary sch.of course i cried,who wouldnt?looking at the stuffs he got me which i kept in the box.everything going back to more than a thousand days ago.

the feelings were undescripable.no words could portray my feelings then.

but i didnt want to run away from the facts.i want to put my feet firmly in the ground.yes,he's left.i couldnt pretend nothing happened.the memories are facts.not somethings which could be erased in a single wipe.

i feel like such a fool.just what have i ever done so wrong to deserve it all?

Beary Hugzzz @ |11:23 PM|

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Happy 24th Birthday to my one and only elder brother.

i hope you love the gift i get you.a new mp3 with speakers and a leather case.oh well,i know you do love it seeing your reaction when you opened that box.and to think you thought the speakers were a bra,seeing the pattern.heh. ;)

i am pampering other people cause i no longer have that someone to pamper.see how good i am.hahah.

and the graduation ceremony at SP today made me tear a few times.i couldnt imagine how i'll be like when i'm a mother.and "our daughter" hurts like no other today.

i hate myself for being so emotional,always.

Beary Hugzzz @ |11:54 PM|

Saturday, October 27, 2007

i've deleted the previous post and other stuffs which are to be deleted.

things can change in a mere second.

i shall now harden my heart and accept things the way i'm supposed to.it'll be a hell of a time,but i'll be ok.

i was sitting at the exact place where i accepted him 53 months ago.and watching Transformers at that.God knows how difficult it was to be reminded of that,but i have no choice but to control myself.

sometimes i wonder if i am supposed to love memories or hate them.

someone asked me if he'll be coming down.i said "no" and tried to smile.my heart was so painful,so so painful.and someone else was saying i have someone to support me and love me with all his heart.so i dont have to worry.

what does it mean loving someone with all your heart?for i don't know what loving with all your heart means anymore.

and someone said he plays soccer and use my name.i hope it brings luck,cause i myself am running out of it.

i got a cut on my wrist.unknown where it comes from.i am NOT trying to kill myself ok.i will never be suicidal,insyaAllah.

cos i dont need sympathy from people.and i dont need a hero to save me.

i am tired of taking everything in when i just feel like breaking down.ok.i shall shut up and force myself to sleep.

Beary Hugzzz @ |10:24 PM|

Friday, October 26, 2007

i finally went online last night after ages of not being online.chatted with some friends whom i havent been contacting for some time.its nice to know they're fine.even tho i myself has not fully recover from the fall,i could still listen to ur probs and be there for you ok sweethearts?someone said i'm like a mother,as a friend.whatever was meant,i hope i'm not super naggy and being hated.heh.

i settled an old dispute with someone.i am sincere.in making things better.in putting the past behind.i hope she's sincere with her words too.i'm just a little upset we finally made up only after i've parted ways with him.i hope he's happy tho i took this step.

after having dinner with daddy yesterday,just the two of us,i passed him the gift i got him.its not even supposed to be a gift actually,just something i bought him cause he's fond of it.well,i got daddy a Creative mp3.he wanted to swop the new mp3 with mine,but i gave a stern "no!".it was a gift from him.i wouldnt want anything more expensive,more beautiful or more new as an exchange for it.i treasure what people give me,whats more if it comes with beautiful memories.lets just kick the painful memories aside for now yah?

so i stayed up late to download songs for daddy so he could bring it to work today.chatted on the comp while being on the phone with someone who was askin if im fine.and the person knows that i wont give any other answer but "yes,of course i'm fine".i wont allow myself to not be fine,cause i am strong enough to handle the situation now.but thanks for asking cause it means alot.

and today.mummy kept making noise that i am going to grow as fat as lil bro.cause i woke up and have prata followed by nasi lemak with two fried chicken.then i showed mummy the KFC ad,without saying anything ok.and then i had rice with whatever nots.and called daddy to get me ice cream and milo and etc.hahah.(now my stomach hurts for having the cookies&cream)

and my cuz just msged me asking me to go his band concert.and asking me to get the one that costs fifty bucks,together with refreshments.wahh.bnyk duit kak shiqin dier.heheh.

anyway.she viewed my profile.since mine is a private profile,all she gets to see is my sexy pic.heh.well,go on and see.i dont mind.i am not going to meddle in ur relationship/life.so i would be grateful if i am not dragged in,cause i have no intention at all to ruin people's life or cause any unhappiness,even if it was done to me.

well.going to sleep now.or well,after the guests leave.yes,i am still having guests at my place like right now,at this time.going for my supposedly weekly jog with the parents and then to open houses later in the day.ok well,i was too occupied in blogging that i dont even realize the aunt was already in my room talking to me saying she's going home and she wants to pass me my duit collection.and bro has to raise his voice at me to get my attention,and the aunt laughed.haha.and well.i got a snap of her son whom i've kidnapped in my room for a few seconds.

and thanks to sis for reminding me abt Elly's grad at SP on Sun a few minutes earlier.i totally forgot abt it tho aunt just msged me yest remindin me.and to think i just made plans with the parents on visiting the paternal side on Sunday.ouh no.

ok sweethearts.have a great weekend. =)

Beary Hugzzz @ |11:32 PM|

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

its been a month of my being single.

there must be people who are shocked.well,everyone who knows about it is.but i am pretty sure there are also those who must be laughing and elated hearing this news.but it doesnt matter.cause they have a right over their own feelings.

i wouldnt blame anyone at whatever happened.the fault is partly mine.fair enough.

dont ask me why.or reasons that causes this sudden happening.for i have no answers to that.

maybe to quote the Hikmah 3 song.."aku percaya..tiada yang sia-sia..semua kan ada hikmahnya".

i'll leave it to Him.and He's been Great to have bestowed me with sufficient strengh to move on.Alhamdulillah.

it is difficult.but i will get through it.

thank you to everyone who has been there for me.

now,have i made it clear enough?

Beary Hugzzz @ |10:52 PM|

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

it seems like its been a long time since i last blogged.but de last was only Sat.so its not that long.heh.

i've been losing count of the date and days.it seems ages since i last wrote the date on the top of a paper.i make it a point to read the papers these few days cause i didnt want to lose out on whats happening out there.

and after reading an e-mail,memories came flooding.of the time i was in MI.i didnt want to regret,but sometimes i followed my feelings too much that i forgo my thinking.i dont know.oh well,its over anyway.

anyway.Sunday was spent on Raya visiting.went out early to daddy's friend open house.den to daddy's side.so many houses at Clementi.hehs.well,just de parents,me and lil bro.so we both got more collection.a few gave ten bucks each to us.i guess its the last time i'm going to get collection.heheh.den we went to maternal aunt's place and ibu's place.both at Hougang.reached home past midnight.i was kinda tired but i felt good.it takes the load off the mind.

Mon.met the girlfriends late.ended the day over Starbucks.it rained heavily.to someone,thank you for the fetch.and for letting me use that orange unbrella which holds a thousand memories.

driving today was way better than the last.both our moods were better than the last.thank God.the satisfaction was clearly felt to see/feel de car beautifully parked for parallel parking.haha.so i did everything only one round before going out of circuit for jalan-jalan.ouh well.test routes.so well.i've finished my driving lessons.only left with revisions.

i am so tempted to make a U-turn and run down this mat salleh.he wanted to cross when he saw my car coming(jaywalking that is).but i didnt give a damn and continue with the acceleration cause i have the right of way.so he stepped back and shouted something pointing to my car.oh well,my "L" plate.damn.i wish he did cross so i could run him down and its his fault,not mine.hmmph.Ronald said im meant to drive fast cars seeing my driving,and if i really do drive a fast car,that mat salleh would have RIP by now.baguus.hahah.well.just joking.i am not so evil lah ok.

and ohh.i was so surprised to be receiving msges from them.well,good messages at that.i am feeling so guilty for the past thoughts i used to have.i am always feeling guilty for having negative thoughts about people.i guess i am going to say sorry.pride and ego aside,that'll make me feel better.

see?i am so good that people always climb over my head and take advantage of me(not in that sense lah ok).but it doesnt really matter.im fine the way it is.

now let me end this entry with a song i listened to at practically every free time i have.thanks ehh cuz for sending me this song and make me go crazy over it. ;)

Jikalau orang tak suka tak apa

Tapi janganlah kau mengata

Sudah menjadi adat di dunia

Ada rupa dan berharta orang suka

Jikalau orang tak suka tak apa

Biarlah ku mengundur diri

Mungkin kau rasa aku tak sepadan

Dengan dirimu

Ku sedar diri ini

Aku hanyalah insan biasa

Tapi aku ada harga diri

Walaupun terguris hati ini

Hingga menitis air mata

Namun semuanya tak bererti..Bagimu

Waktu orang suka semuanya indah

Waktu dah tak suka oh ada-ada saja

Sukarnya nak ku temui

Cinta yang sejati dan bahagia

Jikalau orang tak suka tak apa

Tuhan masih menyayangiku

Moga suatu hari akan tiba

Jodoh buatku dengan insan

Yang ikhlas cintanya

and one last thing.pictures of my sweetheart.he brings much happiness,and silent sadness felt deep down only by yours truly.

ok.now i shall go and eat my satay daddy got me from West Coast.yummy-licious!=)

Beary Hugzzz @ |11:03 PM|

Saturday, October 20, 2007

its been exactly a week since raye and i've been only to three houses so far.seriously.one on the first day and the other two on the second.that one was also cut short cause my house was already filled with ppl.well,even my room too!hehs.

and today.i was already with make-up,just about to put on my baju raye when i heard voices.i peeped out from my door,and saw him.of all people.of all times.its like,now.when im in no mood(ok shiqin.its raye.stop with your grudges!).so i salam-ed his mum and went in to help mummy ironed hers and daddy's clothes.and i heard my name being mentioned.his parents,plus mine and grandma are bent on making us get together.its super irritating ok when you dont like someone and you're always teased with him.and i feel like they're selling me to him instead.hmmft!

so we're supposed to go out after they left.but then daddy got a call from his friend saying he's on the way to our place,and daddy said we're not going out anymore.so i kinda threw my temper infront of them.he looked at me,and i showed my displeasure and went in back.heh.its so irritating.the whole day we've been waiting for ppl to come until we cant go out.and i was ready at that!now there's stil ppl at my place but my feet are hurting and im getting bored.

i shouldnt get angry.i dont wish to.

anyway.something happened earlier in the day.i wish to keep myself shut.cause whatever i do wont help.

anyway.my days been filled quite satisfactorily.i am moving on fine,and no,i dont have any other choice.i saw the person i've been wanting to.i smiled to myself(or did i laughed?),and told myself everything's gonna be fine.

ok.tomorrow going jalan raye.i'll make sure we will.haha.and Mon i am going to meet my two girlfriends.its time to catch up on things.

problems keep adding themselves.they always come atop each other dont they?i've long realized that.

i will be fine.i got to be fine.

and to my dearest aunt whom i call ibu,Happy Birthday!

thanks for being there for me,always.

Beary Hugzzz @ |10:09 PM|

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

a month has passed.exactly a month since i felt happiness deep in my heart.

left with memories.which i am thankful for tho it hurts.

well.i want to make something clear.i dont hate people,and i dont call people names.do not take advantage when i keep quiet or talk nicely despite your words.theres a limit to my patience.my conscience is clear,way too clear.you know who's done who wrong.but of course you wont see your own mistakes.learn to respect yourself if not others.a woman isnt made up of just that body and honeyed words.and a real woman doesnt act like you.and no,i dont care what you like or not.what you want or dont.or whatever it is that has got to do with you is none,none of my probs.let me make this clear,i've lost all respect for you.i dont judge people.let God decides everything.

enough of that.the day's starting early tomorrow.

watching Meraung reminds me of him.i know i've done him wrong.and this is one song he loves and sing to me when we were close friends.its been some time since we last contacted.if i have the chance,i wish to say sorry to you.and,what you said is right.i should have listened to you,but i am not going to regret it now.and no matter what,i've always wished you well.

Menggigil tubuh ini
Melihat kau bersamanya
Tergamam aku tak terkata
Meraung di jiwa

Puas ku pertahankan
Cinta kita sejak dulu
Tapi sayang
Sikit pun tidak
Menghargai cintaku

Sia-sia saja
Pengorbanan dan kesetiaanku ini
Ku sangka kau permata
Rupanya duri paling berbisa
Ku pasrah dan berdoa
Semoga tabah jiwaku
Oh tetapi bagaimana
Nak ku lawan
Jiwa yang siksa

Ke mana arah hendak ku tuju
Bila hatiku rindu padamu
Hendakku cari tapi tak guna
Kau bahagia dengan si dia

Dikamar sepi aku termenung
Terbayang bayang kenangan kita
Tidak ku sangka kau
Tergamak pergi
Saat ku masih perlukan mu

Meraung di jiwa
Apalah daya kiranya
Orang dah benci
Meraung di jiwa
Tapi tak pernah ku benci
Dirimu sayang

Beary Hugzzz @ |10:41 PM|

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

To all my Muslim friends,Selamat Hari Raya.Maaf Zahir & Batin.i never mean to hurt any of you,but sometimes,dengan tak sengaja dan tak disedari maybe i do.

this raya is a drastic change of last year's in terms of mental and emotional.its been very hard to deal with everything,but alhamdulillah,i managed to.or can i say i have to force mysef to?i know everything happens for a reason.and ada hikmah di sebalik semua yang terjadi.if God takes something away from you,He'll give you something else,insyaallah,something even better.

i dont have the mood to blog cause something happened last night and i'm still trying to get over it.so let me just post some pics on the first day of raya alright.and i was down with bad stomach probs during this raye.what a time.heh.

yes.we're pinkyS and the brainS.hahah. =)

and to someone,thank you for being there.

a song close to heart for this raye...

Tiada salam atau ucapan

Tiada pesan tanda ingatan

Suasana penuh keriangan

Ku teringat pada seseorang

Di hari yang berbahgia ini
Hatiku kosong dan sepi sekali

Betapa manis kenangi lalu

Menyambut raya bersama denganku

Tiada bisikan lembut yang ku dengar

Hanya suara azan sayup bergema

Masih kurasakan hangat tanganmu

Di pagi raya bersalam dengan ku

Tetamu datang tetamu pergi

Namun tak tiba orang ku nanti

Hanya sepasang kurung nan biru

Menjadi teman mengubat rindu ku...

Beary Hugzzz @ |1:19 PM|

Saturday, October 06, 2007

my head hurts.nausea's kicking in real badly.but i didnt want to do nothing.i couldnt sleep.so there.

i wont be blogging much.well that looks like it.but i dont know whats in store for me in the upcoming days.life has been the worst so far.every moment seems like a living torture.i put on a brave front.a happy front.God knows how i really am feeling.i myself dont even know.everything's mixed up.

yesterday.went out with him.met at AMK after his Fri prayer and after i took my dip cert at BMC.it was funny how we were on the same bus without realizing it.went Marina to take my mp3,like finally.then he wanted to go Bugis for his altered pants,like yea finally too,and then we went Bugis village.yet again we went around finding his cardigan for the im-not-so-sure how many times.until we could hardly stand it when we keep seeing the drinks so we went to the monopoly shop and i got him the Spongebob's set before we headed to town.

went GV at PS for our movie membership cards.cute card.then went around finding my shoes and bag.finally got my raye shoes from Tangs.decided to use the bag from him cause i dont see myself celebrating raye grandly this year.im just not in the mood.i felt so guilty cause he fell aslp while i went checking out on shoes at Taka.that he was so tired and didnt sleep the whole night but there he was accompanying me just to get my stuffs.

and i was such a,hmm,blur queen.i remembered someone who used to call me that last time.heh.and now theres no news of him at all.i didnt know where we were most of the time yest,how to get to places,where things are.gosh.

i wish things were better.like how they used to be.but if this is what He wants,i redha.everything happens for a reason.and if this is my fate,there's nothing i could do to change everything to how i want it to be.

and love,i do love you.

God,i need the strengh.

Beary Hugzzz @ |1:50 PM|

Monday, October 01, 2007

i am fully aware that i havent been blogging for quite a while.

not that i dont want to,but my comp's having this problem with me.yes,it seems that its only with me.theres this certificate error thingy displayed into nearly all the websites i want to go into,and one of them is blogger.today.i am lucky i get through even though it is not recommended but i just get on with it.heh.

my blog is a source where people know whats up with my life and how i am.cos its where people will check out about me instead of asking me or meeting me.not that i mind.and so lets just say it,i am fine.cause i want to know that i am.but deep inside im broken.and no,things arent fine as how i want them to be.

its been a tough time.one of the hardest in my life.i tried to be strong,occasionally breaking of course,but yes,i tried.and am still trying.i'll get through this.thank God it is Ramadhan.and i'll take it as a test bestowed on me.a challenge which i dont want and dont need,but i dont have a choice.

besides that one problem.things have been ok.just fine.i spent most of my days going driving,and yes,i am finishing driving and dear instructor has cancelled many of my lessons cause he said i dont need them.that means i am goin drivin only once in two weeks,and yes,i am not happy.there are times i feel like a hazard on the road,but i still love driving,whats more with my group instructors who never fail to make me feel better.in a short time,we've became good friends and we can chat about anything at all,which i dont mind tho sometimes i i'll be too engrossed in entertataining their conversation that driving becomes second priority.hahah.

it was funny how i didnt want to meet him anymore.but he never fails to call me,with that grin,wave and candidness when he saw me,and to think i didnt want to see him anymore.tears were welling in my eyes,and he just had to call me.and he sounds so afraid to talk cos my voice were so low and shaky.heh.

and yes,i saw him that Saturday.theres many people,and i dont see people's faces as i walked through the crowd.but then,something told me to look up and i saw his face,walking right towards me,beside me,and gone.of course i didnt turn behind.so i acted as if i didnt see him.heh.its been ages.and maybe due to seeing him,the car couldnt go out of the carpark cos the cashcard couldnt be read.heh.

for what that had happened,i really wish for it to end soon.i dont know how much longer i can take it.and girfriends,sorry i couldnt make it today cos i am not feelin well and all those other times that i cancelled.we'll do our catching up real soon alright.

except for the existence of this sweetheart by my side,happiness seems miles away.

and,Happy Belated 19th Birthday to my love.that one guy who makes me the happiest yet the most hurt.its the fifth year we're together on our birthdays.my this year's gifts are different,but they mean alot ok.semoga Allah merahmatimu,and us too.i love you. =)

five years ago we were here on my birthday.this time,i went there all by myself while you were asleep with that high fever.this time.no rain.no you and me.no you.thats the only treasure missing.

Beary Hugzzz @ |11:59 PM|

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