[[*...pOOh..eeu..n mi...*]]

Wednesday, December 31, 2003

im nt angry..i juz cant bring myself 2 get angry at any1 at all..im hurt..dats all..im juz so hurt dat it cld kill mi..smetimes..i juz hope dat i wld die..i noe i shld nt ever tink of dat..bt juz cldnt take it nimor..hu understands mi..de person i tot understands mi all dis while did smethg wich i dont even noe is rite or wrong..i never wan 2 blame dem..bt izit all my fault..de world wich i've bin livin wif since i noe him is comin 2 an end..its crushin down 1 by 1..its juz crushin down on mi..y dont my life end here..y muz i go thru all dis..bear wif all dis..m i suppose 2 live in dis world bt sacrificin..sacrificin my love..my happiness..tmr wil b a new yr..2004..im goin 2 b 16 in like 9 mths..can i regain my happiness..can i live wifout lookin back at all dos tings wich hurt mi..y muz i start de new year wif all dis feelins..y muz everythg juz happens rite nw..wil i b happy if i sacrifice myself 4 others' happiness..i hope i cld b happie..i don tink i'll blog tmr..n fri..im nt sure..im goin back 2 sch..i wan 2 start sch wif a new hope..bt i don tink ill get 2 b happy on de 1st day of sch..niwae..mi goin off nw..HAPPIE NEW YEAR..HAPPY 2004!!!

Beary Hugzzz @ |10:10 PM|

my world juz cme crashin down 1 by 1..im askin myself..wats next..wil it b a beter day tmr?will my pains n hurt ever go away frm dis broken heart..wil i ever find happiness..will tings juz get better..im hurtin so terribly..de pain..i tot it'll b over soon..i neva xpect ders mor 2 cme..juz wat hav i done wrong 2 deserve all dis..juz wer does my mistakes lie???y muz ppl du dis 2 mi..ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....help mi..juz help mi pls..help mi go thru wif all dis..riah..i trust in u so much..n farhan..nt even once hav i doubted u..hw cld u guys ever du dis 2 mi..hw cld u ever bear 2 du dis 2 mi..i never wan 2 think so lowly of u guys..i never wan 2 tink bad abt u..bt y muz u du dis 2 mi..y..juz tel mi y..hw much i look 4ward 2 gettin u back..i never wan 2 leave dos beutiful memories dat u hav given mi..bt nw..dey r so painful..dey r juz so painful..i juz wan 2 get away..i juz wan 2 leave all dis troubles..yest..i donwan 2 beliv wen sme1 told mi abt it..bt nw..i juz feel sorry 4 ya md noh..i realie du..bt im stil nt gg 2 accept u..no..no..no matter wat..i'll stand on my ground..let mi suffer alone..let mi go thru all dis pain n sufferings myself..i don wana hurt any1..i don wana c any1 hurt...so let mi take all dat myself..i wil survive..i wont giv up dat easily..i hav alot mor other ppl hu loves mi de way i wan dem 2 love mi s..God..im tired of dis..bt i noe u wan mi 2 go thru all dis..i beliv..ders goodness behind every badness..im gg 2 hold on 2 u..pls guide mi along de way..pls guide mi thru de path wich im takin n wich i'm on..pls dont make mi regret anythg..juz help mi go thru dis ordeal..giv farhan de happiness he's bin searchin 4..giv riah de happiness wich she wans..pls let mi giv dem my full blessings..sincerely..God..i juz love him so much..i wil stil love him..even tho i noe he belongs 2 sme1 else..n hu is she..my fren..she considers mi her best fren..yet nw..i hav 2 sacrifice my love..juz 4 her..4 deir happiness..will he ever tries 2 understand mi..y did he du dat 2 mi..juz y did he du dat 2 mi..i need him so much..i need him so much 2 ever lose him..y muz it happened..juz y muz it happened..i feel so suffocated..i feel so..i don even noe wat i shld b feelin..n nw..i juz let myself cool down..n nt b so harsh 2wards riah coz im chattin wif her nw...

Beary Hugzzz @ |2:50 AM|

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

dis few daes hav been a real hell..xpecially yest..stil cant get over it..cant beliv wat happened..realie cant beliv..ive bin thru so much in juz les den 1 mth..life's bin rite at de tip dis few daes..yest..i feel like givin up..i feel like dyin..end my pain..ders soo much pain in mi..juz so much..hw long muz i suffer...
i chatted wif riah on sun til like 5+ in de morn..wel..im kinda fine wif it..n she told mi her ex wanted my num n all dat..n she gav..he msg mi yest aft n til nw..haiz..u noe wat..he asked mi 4 stead..hw cld he..i donwan 2 tink dis..bt i guess he's realie desperate..hw cld he du dat..i stil love farhan..i love him soo much dat noone wil ever understand de pain im gg thru juz 2 get him back..n its nt juz abt he askin mi 4 stead..he told mi smethg wich makes my heart nearly dropped..u noe wat..he told mi riah n farhan r gg 2gether..i mean..de stead..gosh..gosh..gosh..it feels so pain..juz damn pain..argh..arrrgh..i dono wat 2 du..i dono wat 2 say..4 a moment..i was real angry wif dem..riah n farhan..i dono wat 2 say..wat 2 call it..izit betrayal..bt i cant say farhan betray mi..coz we aready broke up..bt i was real angry wif riah..she was de 1 hu listens 2 my prob wif him n all dat..n hw cld he du dis..gosh..bt riah called mi up at nite n we tok on de phone til nearly 6 in de morn..whew..felt so much beter aft tokin 2 her on de phone..its nt true..wat nat noh say..bt 4 nw..i dono hu 2 beliv..i wana ask farhan..no matter wat it takes..
feelin totally down de whole day..gt no appetite 2 eat..wel..morn..went out wif mum 2 buy sch uni..den nite went out wif kak idah 2 jg point n bot my shoes n bag..juz cme back a few mins ago..both converse..ouch..my heart soo pain..of all dis pain n de pain of finishin de money..haha..so much money spent on de shoes..haiz..bt nt gonna regret..it wont du any gd..even my uncle asked mi wats wrong..i like badmoodin 2day..n he asked mi if i gotta prob..tanks 4 understandin mi ppl..rite nw..i onli nd 2 person 2 understand mi..farhan n mat noh..stil tryin 2 absorb wat happens..im prayin so hard dat riah n farhan r totallie juz cuz n nt 2gether s a couple..i wont b able 2 take it..no i cant...God..help mi pls...im juz kinda lookin 4ward 4 fri..wer i can c him..no amtter wat i hav 2 face..wat i hav 2 go thru..i'll try anythg...

Beary Hugzzz @ |10:17 PM|

Sunday, December 28, 2003

haizz..tot wana wake up yest nite 2 go online..woke up at 12+ n slp back..haiz..promise riah wil b online at nite..hehe..she was chattin wif umi til 6+ dis morn..tink i'll cme onlie later at nite..aft i watch hollow man..tho i watched de cd a few times bt its kinda long ago..wel..went 2 my dad's fren weddin juz nw..at 12+ til 4+..woke up kinda early 2 coz slept erly yest..haha..my dad was like askin mi go ..he even sat bside mi n tel mi i cld wear de shirt dat im wearin..wat a joke..haha..de hse wat at hougang..wel..niwae..my dad's fren is de chan i broadcaster..n he lives in a terrace..soo many ppl cme..even prof madya yacob..get a chance 2 c de pengantin..wen we wana go home..he cme back frm de gal's hse..wel..he's de sme age s my dad..was in de sme calss in sec sch..n my dad's fren's wife told my mum jokingly dat wen my mum n dad wana get a menantu..dis fren is onlie gettin his 1st child..haha..wat a joke..bt tink its kinda real..mayb he'll get a child 1st coz my siblings all arent ready...haha..n dat includes mi k..haiz..stop talkin abt marriage..wel..tink i gonna go nw..my aunt all here..wil cme online later..yeah..i wil..hopefuli..haha...

Beary Hugzzz @ |9:01 PM|

Saturday, December 27, 2003

feels so grateful 2day..2 my grandmama..she told mi she's worried abt mi n him..coz she din hear frm him 4 sme time...i was like jokin..sayin wats der 2 b worried abt..n told her im ok..so sweet of my grandmama..tank u nenek 4 all dat u hav done 4 mi..atleast sme1's worried abt my relationship..abt mi..n him..wel..don wana talk abt it..n oh yeah..chatted wif riah n umi til like 5+..b4 i gtg...coz my dad was awake bt he went out 2 mosque 2 pray..luckily he din cme in my rm..heard frm riah she left at 6+..umi 2..n wen im online yest..he cme online..it was real..he did cme online..n one mor time at 1+..haiz..bt den went ofline a min later..nvm abt dat..oh yar..went 2 cik ana hse..kaka nana tunang..went der at 2+ n cme back arnd 7.05...wel..everythg was fine..kinda lively n i don feel dat bored..haha...wel..wana go nw..tink i'll b online again soon...if i din fall asleep..haha...

Beary Hugzzz @ |8:47 PM|

Friday, December 26, 2003

woke up so early 2day..haha..nt realie early bt earlier den usual..my mum was like so noisy sayin its aready 10 n i stil havent wake up..coz i wana buy my sch bks..i woke up at once n began ironin my sch t-shirt n skirt..n my mum asked mi 2 call my dad up 2 ask wat time he sendin mi..called my dad up n straightaway got ready..haiz..went 2 buy de bks 4 like onli 5 mins..luckily my dad sent n nt take bus der..such a waste of time..den in de aft..like 3+..went out 2 westmal wif my mum..bot de stationeries 4 sch n check-out shoes n bags..tink i wana buy adidas shoes n dis converse bag wich i saw at sportslink in wesmall..wana look arnd at other place 1st b4 decidin 2 buy dem..see 4 beter price..haha..
chattin wif riah..was so shocked dat he came online half a min aft riah cme online..bt de next moment..he was offline..so wats dat 4..gg offline wen seein mi offline..i asked riah if he cme online bt riah said no..i checked..n she was rite..he was nt online..is my eyes playin tricks on mi..no..i was sure he cme online juz nw..asked riah if she changed 4 him de password bt riah said no..s if she gt nthg beter 2 du..n dat if he wana du it..du dat himself..ok..im gettin so confused rite nw...i need 2 find out de truth..n onli de truth!!!

Beary Hugzzz @ |11:49 PM|

Thursday, December 25, 2003

i broke record yest..chatted wif umi until 5 dis morn..haha..bt i woke up quite early..11+..hehe..wel..umi msg mi n asked abt de hw..wel..den we cont talkin..abt him..abt nearly everythg..n den we did smethg on de blogger..wel..i troduced her 2 it coz she was askin mi abt it..den we did sme tings on de blogger til we had a headache..haha..din go east coast 2day..n my mum was like blamin mi coz i woke up late..wel..i slept at 5+ dis morn..good enuf i woke up 11+..dats earlier den yest..hee..din du much 2day..watch tv n mor tv..my fam members wer talkin abt him juz nw..yet again..n dis time..in includes my grandma,mum n bro..wer mentionin his name..i was like screamin inside coz of pain n hurt..my dad,bro n sis wer arnd 2 at dat time..was smilin..bt inside of mi..hu noes..ive bin gg thru all dis 4 15 daes..since de 12th..i dono y..bt i kept tinkin abt him juz nw..n nw..feels so hurt..while watchin tv..my tears actuallie flow down n i quickly brushed dem away n try 2 control de pain n hurt im feelin..juz 1 mor week 2 sch reopen..n dats my chance 2 make my life beter..n u noe wat..while chattin wif umi yest..i wanted 2 use his account coz i gt sme tings 2 du in der..like..wel..u noe i check his account everytime..bt i found out yest i cant get in2 his account nimore..guess sme1 changed de password..i dono wat 2 say..felt angry at 1 st bt i don hav rite 2 get angry over it..wel..it was my name niwae..i had wanted 2 change it bt i tink i can du dat later..nw..sme1 aready did dat..haiz..was feelin so down 2nite..tink i wana go n slp aft dis coz i gotta wake up early tmr morn..wana go sch n buy bks..my dad sendin..ask him 2..haha..n den mayb gg out wif my mum..haiz..hope tmr wil b a beter day...

Beary Hugzzz @ |11:56 PM|

chattin wif umi til nw..haha..wel..MERRY CHRISTMAS GUYS..hehe..guess i'll cont bloggin later..n de later dono wen..nw..gonna cont chattin wif umi abt sme stuffs...wel..abt him..we wer chattin abt sch stuffs n sme normal normal stuffs wen umi sudd asked abt my new nick..he has hurt mi..bt i vow nt 2 hurt him back..i noe hw hurtin it cld b..den i told her abt us..wel..he wld tel her if i din..so since she aready asked mi..mite s wel i tel..umi is his god sista..dey r close..told her everythg..atleast i feel much beter..she understands mi..thanx umi..i'll blog again wen i hav de time..c ya...oh yar..n my grandmama was actuallie talkin abt him juz nw...wel..again..gosh..no..beter stop talkin abt him nw..c ya k...nytez..sorie..mornin...(this is written on thurs nite..early morn..hehe...)

Beary Hugzzz @ |1:16 AM|

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

heehe..finally..i did it..wat..din blog in de aft..wel..my sis was usin de comp juz s she woke up..wel..us..we kinda woke up de same time..u noe wat..i said dat i wana wake up earlier 2day..bt indeed..i woke up later..haha..12+..n it was coz my sis was scoldin my bro..i wld nt hav woken up if nt 4 dat..wel..was havin breakfast n den play playstation..was challengin de car race wif my uncle..he stopped playin coz he was fed-up he keeps losin..indeed..he din win at all..haha..den de motorbike race wif my sis..i won my sis 2..haha..went inside 2 c de comp coz boboy was like disturbin de comp..n riah was online..so wel..stop playin playstation n chatted wif her..i wont noe she's online if she din say hi..wel..chatted wif her til like 3+..n at dat time..my parents wer like askin if i aready pray zuhur..my mum was like askin wat time aready n wat time i wana sembahyg..n my dad was like shoutin frm outside askin 2 pray 1st..wel..my sis oso..i mean..she was also asked 2 go n pray..haa..indeed..she sembahyg later den mi..haha..hmm..din du anythg 2day..i mean i din du any work..haiz..was like eat eat..watch tv..talk talk..n went shop 2 buy log cake 4 my old neighbour..de 1 hu live next 2 mi at my old hse..went wif my mum..de cake looks so nice..bt so ex..laz yr we bot 1 4 her wich cost onli abt $18..n dis 1 was $30 4 1kg..bt gt 15% discount so its $25.50..bot a choc 1..de box dat cmes wif it is oso nice..hehe..we sent it der aft buyin it..went hme n watch tv..oso eat de fish frm de lauk kicap dat my grandmama cook n 1 kebab wich my mum bot wen she went johor juz nw..hmm..gettin real fat man..keep eatin n eatin..dats y i told my fam i cant stay hme..keep eatin..bt if i go outside..keep spendin..haha..hmm..so wat shld i du...
tot of watchin 'the green mile'..bt end up watchin 'home in toa payoh' at 9 n den watch 'anak metropolitan' wich finish at 10.30..den turn 2 'the green mile' n gt no mood watchin it..bt i noe its kinda nice n sad lah de story..nvm..wil watch it 1 day..wen watchin anak metropolitan..actuallie tot of him..wel..de remy n ruby wer callin each other 'mummy' n 'daddy' n i remember my own time wen we're 2gether..we used 2 call each other dat 2..feels so sad..ahh..4get it..bt wel..2day aready a few times i was actullie tryin 2 keep tings frm my mum..my mum is de 1st 2 noe dat i n him call each other 'mummy daddy' coz i was usin her hp 2 msg him wen i accidentally left it de way it is n my mum actuallie found it n read it..bt she din scold..n juz nw..wen boboy said smethg abt de 'mummy daddy'..i changed de subj 2 avoid frm my mum askin abt him..wel..juz nw oso was talkin abt de puase time wen i went out wif him n gt smethg 2 du wif de famous amos cookies..n den i quickly stopped it coz was kinda afraid my mum wld ask abt him..haiz..haizzz..hw long shld i keep it..hw long shld i bear wif it..feelin kinda sleepy nw..bin awake 4 les den 12 hrs actuallie..haha..my mum said wana go picnic tmr..asked my uncle if he wna go bt he workin..haiz..i wana go east coast..wana sit der n relax..donwan 2 play in de water..wana watch de sunset..haiz..i dono if im hopin 2 him der or nt..wel..he always go wif his fam 2..2 east coast..i don wana c him coz im nt ready 2 face him..dono y..bt it may b gd 2 c him..atleast wen sch reopens..it wont b de 1st time we hav seen each other..wel..dono wat im realie expectin..riah was askin mi abt buyin of my bks on sat..askin her y she ask..don tel mi he's buyin on sat 2..den she said nolah..he aready bot it on mon..wel..good..haha..riah actuallie wanted 2 accompany mi..bt wel..i goin wif my dad..bt mayb gg on fri 2..coz my dad is bz on sat n he's nt workin on fri..askin him 2 send mi der..hee..
wana go popular juz nw..bt nt sure if its open..coz its christmas eve..my dad asked mi 2 call up 1st b4 gg..i cldnt get de popular num..onli hav de dono wat num..2 make de card one..wen i called up..de operator said dat de office is close..told my mum n we ended up nt gg..wat a waste of time if go der n its closed..so tink beter b safe by gg der sme other time..it shld b open frm fri onwards..hmm..mayb can du sme little shoppin 4 my sch stuffs...hehe...

Beary Hugzzz @ |11:14 PM|

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

haha..chattin wif pat..wel..she was aready online wen i cme..askin her abt hw..made up my mind..nt doin it..de eng hw..yeah baby..haha..nw..got no worries abt it..umi aready said she nt doin..so is pat..de rest..i don care..nvm lah..don tink abt it animor..chattin wif pat n like laughin alone infront of de comp..so funny..n she actuallie asked mi if i sittin wif her nex yr..dat gal..wel..i m..so used 2 sittin wif her..wel..i actualie did sme phy 2day..was doin de tys n mayb continuin later..aready finished half de malay tys yest..haha..gd job..crazy arh mi...haizzz..beter catch up on sme work..atleast i du smethg..eh..u noe wat..was chattin wif my mum juz nw wen she actuallie told mi her fren..cik asmah..was like tellin her anak sedara hus a guy..sec dono wat..den if he wana find a gf..find sme1 like mi or mi..wat a joke man..den my mum was like sayin wat onli lah her fren..s if i like..pls lah..don du dat 2 mi..i wil find my own life partner..i was tinkin..atleast sme1 see n appreciate mi 4 hu i m..see de gd side of mi..accept mi de way i m..im grateful 4 dat..bt dono y..stil feels so worthless..haiz..nvm..pat was talkin abt sch n sudd feels kinda xcited 2 go back sch..hehe..stil gt 2 du sme shoppin 4 sch stuffs...arghh..wen wil it b..my parents said wana go pasir ris theme park dis fri..duh..so boring..bt wana try de rainbow stuff..looks kinda fun..bt im nt gg if i don hav frens..hmm..hu shld i ask along..tot of askin jen n ct..bt c 1st..or mayb kak idah,fidah,or huever lah..s long s i hav fren..haha..so bored if onli wif my bros..wel..gonna c abt it...

feels so much beter aft chattin wif pat..she said she was laughin til her stomach so pain..haha..gonna c each other again in 10 daes time..ahh..my stomach stil so pain..frm juz nw..bt nvm abt it..my grandmama is havin a stomachache 2..cant bear 2 c her in soo much pain..wel..a few yrs ago..she was sent 2 de hosp coz of unbearable pains..her stomach..called an ambulance..n it was exactly on my bday..abt 2 or 3 yrs back..she actuallie has stomach cancer..whew..luckily nthg happened..she went 4 an op..n always has 2 go hosp 4 checkin..wel..laz time she muz go hosp nearly everyday..2 undergo certain stuffs..used 2 go hosp 2 accompany her..luckily nw its once in a few mths..bt smetimes..she stil gets de stomach pains..n wen it actuallie happens..i realie dono wat 2 du..like nw..bt she's sleepin nw..hope she'll feel beter..was actuallie prayin dat de pain wil b submitted 2 mi..i donwan her 2 b in pain..wel..i gtg nw..gt sme other tings 2 du..n den wana slp..tot of wakin up earlier tmr..bin sme time since i wake up early..haha...gd nyte..n 2 u..miss u..stil tinkin of u n lovin u..nyte k..hav a gd nyte slp..hav a gd rest n c ya in 10 daes time...

Beary Hugzzz @ |11:55 PM|

10 daes countdown 2 de startin of sch n 9 days down 2 de new year..dat was fast..haha..wel..was doin my malay hw on de comp juz nw wen ibu called..talk 2 her on de phone n cant concentrate so juz stop doin n was doin sme stuff wif my pics..aready scanned de raye photo on de comp..wel..my grandad juz took de photos..atlast got 2 c my raye photo wif my frens..shld hav taken mor den juz 1 shot..realize smethg abt him..he realie looks like his mum..bt 4get it..i made up my mind nt 2 tink 2 much abt him..i don wan 2 imagine tings wich i shld nt b imaginin n i tink i juz go wif de flow..tinkin abt all dis stuff wil onli makes mi feel worse so wats de use of tinkin abt dem..guess i'll deal wif it wen de time cmes..ibu was actuallie talkin abt him on de phone juz nw..bt don bother..u noe wat..i actuallie did sme housework juz nw..haha..woke up n hav breakfast..den i actuallie folded de pile of clothes n den put dem in de respective cupboards..wen my mum cme back juz nw at 12+..wel..she was workin n she went geylang aft work..she brot home sausage mc muffin wif egg..she gt it free wen she bot de big breakfast at mc donalds wif her frens..she even told mi she treat her frens breakfast..wel..nt smeting new..haha..ate dat n was so full..coz i juz finish a packet of nasi lemak n i added a piece of beef burger..tink im gettin so much fatter..haha..tink i gonna du sme sweepin aft dis..was sweepin yest wen my uncle n aunt cme..n tink i gonna cont doin sme revision later..my sis actuallie cooked 4 mi de spaghetti yest nite aft im done bloggin..dats sweet of her..wel..she was havin a christmas party at her workplace at de childcare n she brought home de spaghetti sauce..n wen i said i wana eat..she said she wil hav 2 cook de spaghetti 4 mi..n she cooked it in a few mins time n told mi i cld go n eat..heehee..thanx kak..den we wer like jokin in de rm n all dat stuff..actuallie did finish 1 paper in de malay tys yest aft bloggin n was browsin thru de other tys..juz tot of lyin down on de bed 4 a while bt ends up fallin asleep..hehe..remembered wat he use 2 say..if im bored..try doin sme housework or wat..so i wont b so bored..n wen i actuallie did..he wil kinda laughed at mi n wil praise mi..i wil always scold him 4 laughin n he wil say sorry bt its juz like a bit funny i actuallie did sme housework..hehe..stil missin him so much..bt guess i beter learn 2 take tings lighter n b stronger..nw..gonna du sme tings..b bak later...

Beary Hugzzz @ |4:26 PM|

Monday, December 22, 2003

u noe wat..i nearly finished bloggin 4 2day wen de program ended juz like dat..haiz..gt 2 retype back..wel..nvm..heya..u noe wat..was kinda pleased wif myself..i was doin my malay tys frm aft n den did sme revision on my maths..de tys 2..gonna cont aft dis..mayb doin sme science 2..both phy n chem..aready took out all my tys bks frm de store n my cupboard..feelin kinda guilty din du work xcept 4 de malay tys..tot i'll du sme revision everyday..wel..sch is reopenin new wk..another 11 daes..n de new yr is juz 10 daes away..wana hav 1 new resolution 4 dis yr..gotta tink of it..mayb..it wil b..I DON WANA HAV ANY REGRETS IN ANYTHG I DU...bt beter tink of smethg mor possible..haha..i always hav regrets..juz wana b happie..atleast don feel like wat im feelin nw...n gotta make plans real soon..shoppin 4 my sch stuffs..all nt yet ready..always last min..ct was like askin mi y i din get dem earlier..n she actuallie said padan muka 2 mi..nvm..she onli left wif her sch shoes..mayb we gonna search 4 it 2gether soon..bt dono wen...
hmm...miss him like crazy..my grandmama sudd talked abt him juz nw..she said he din call mi at all aft de hari raya..wel..hari raya is gg 2 end in a few daes time..n my grandmama said he merajuk frm hari raya until nw..she even asked mi hw wen de sch reopens..she said later one wil look 2 de rite n one wil look 2 de left..i laughed n joke dat i wil walk 2 de rite n he wil go de other way..haha..was jokin..bt feels so hurt inside..dono y..i juz noe dat i cant b avoidin him..same class at dat..haiz..feel so down tinkin of it..i mean..of wat happens..i can onli miss him..dats de most i can du..wana call him up..bt tink again...wats de use..if he wana talk 2 mi..he wld hav called mi up..bt he din..so 4get it..sudd feelin so cheap n worthless juz nw..bt i told myself nt 2 tink lyke dat animor..he used nt 2 allow mi 2 say day laz time..nw..mayb he agree wif wat i say..feels so hurt..bt i realize 1 ting..i'm so much mor understandin abt life n im much stronger nw..aft everythg dat has happened..thanx 2 him..shld i tank him 4 dis..nt 2 sure..remembered wat ibu say..its nt easy 2 find a guy like him in dis milennium..mean dis time..haha..yeah..tink she's rite..wel..she's rite..she said nt many guys nw r so disciplined n so caring n so family stuff..blah blah blah..aloot lah she say..bt she's rite..yar..she' rite..hope dat it wil b a beter day tmr n de days aft dat...nitez..gonna du sme revision..haha...

Beary Hugzzz @ |11:06 PM|

--got all dis frm kak idah...dey r juz so sueeet...--

no man or woman is worth ur tears,
n de one hu is wont make u cry...(hw true is dat??)

juz bcoz sme1 doesnt love u de way u wan dem 2,
it doesnt mean dat dey don love u wif all dey hav...(its true rite?)

a true fren is sme1 hu reaches 4 ur hand,
n touches ur heart...(thanx 2 my frens hu hav bin doin dat)

never frown,even wen u r sad,
coz u never noe hu may b fallin in luv wif ur smile...(so smile okie)

2 de world u may b 1 person,
bt 2 one person u may b de world...(hus dat 1 person???)

dont waste ur time on a man/woman,
hu isnt willin 2 waste deir time on u..(yeah..sure u r rite)

mayb God wans us meet a few wrong ppl b4 meetin de rite 1,
so dat wen we finally meet de rite one,
we'll noe hw 2 b grateful...(bt it hurts wen u love de wrong person n waste ur time on dem)

dont cry bcoz it is over,
smile coz it happened...(i'll smile..bt wats behind dat smile??)

ders always goin 2 b ppl hu hurt u,
so wat u hav 2 du is keep on trusting,
n juz b mor careful abt hu u trust de next time round...(yeah..sure)

make urself a better person,
n noe hu u r b4 u try n noe sme1 else,
n xpect dem 2 noe u...(okay)

dont try so hard,
de best tings cme wen u least xpect dem 2...dats rite)

true frens remember watever happens..happens 4 a reason...(thanx guys!!)

Beary Hugzzz @ |4:47 PM|

i miss him so much..i was just fightin wif my bro...dat stoopid idiotic fikri..cme in n was punching mi..bt atleast my mum n grandparents help mi..he punched my arms n stomach..dey wer pain..bt i realize smethg..my heart is mor pain..i miss him so much..i mean him..u noe hu..i juz nd him here wif mi..wen i quarreled wif my bros or were shoutin wif dem..he wil always tel mi 2 relax..i dono y..bt im cryin rite nw..i dono if im cryin bcoz of de punches or bcoz of him..fikri is gettin frm bad 2 worse..i dono wat wil happen..he wana play de comp yest bt i din let..he took out de wires frm de comp n all dat stuff..dats y i don wana let him play..n de next moment..he was puchin mi..4get abt him..damn..i realie miss him so much..he din even call mi up..its bin 10 daes..its alrite if he din call mi up..bt all i wan is 2 realie make sure he's fine by listenin 2 his voice..altho it may b juz a few secs..wen i c other couples happie..i wil tink of mi n him..it juz hurts..n i wil startin tinkin of everythg wich i shld b 4gettin..bt wats der 2 4get..everythg r precious memories..dey r so sweet..juz like him..noone is perfect..we all make mistakes..mayb wat happened 2 us is bcoz of sme mistakes dat i make..bt r my mistakes 2 big dat u cant forgive mi..or is my mistakes 2 big dat u cant accept mi back..at all..even s frens..u r nt perfect..u r nt de kind of guy i xpected 2 b wif..bt dat was laz time..nw all i wan is 2 live my life wif u..noone is perfect..u r nt..n im nt..hw can i ask 4 a perfect guy wen i noe noone is perfect..even mi..every1 r diff..ders sme good tings abt us s wel s sme bad tings..ders sme tings in mi wich u don like n ders sme tings in u wich i don like..n dos r de tings wich differ us frm 1 another s human beings..i like u 4 hu u r..n i love u 4 wat u r..nt by force or any form of words...

giv mi 1 moment 2 listen 2 my heart...
--i love u..du u beliv mi..du u even trust mi..juz giv mi 1 chance n trust mi wil u..trust mi wen i say i love u..coz i realie du..no words can describe hw much i love u..n no words can describe hw precious u r 2 mi..u r a wonderful guy..im grateful 2 u 4 showin mi so much love..i neva noe dat a guy cld love mi so much..u light my life..u gav mi so much happiness..u gav mi hope..im so grateful 2 u..i realize dat mayb sme ppl don even feel dis b4..de shower of love wich is so great..dats y im so grateful dat i cld feel it at dis age..i'll treasure it..de memories..n u xpecialy..thanx 4 all ur sacrifices dat u hav done 4 mi..thanx 4 everythg..i wil always love u n miss u...--

Beary Hugzzz @ |3:53 PM|

Sunday, December 21, 2003

oh yar...thanx mum n dad 4 bringin us out..n nt juz out..overseas..i learnt alot frm de trip..hw other's live..n deir life..i noe we r livin in luxury rite here..thanx 4 sacrificing 4 us..i'll repay u mum n dad wen i hav de means..4 nw..i juz wana say thanx 4 evrythg..love u guys...

Beary Hugzzz @ |10:57 PM|

halow..bin sme time din blog..actually onli 3 daes..duh..hmm..went 2 tg batu..in indonesia..juz went der 2 relax actuallie..bt atlast..spend so much time out..hee..bt its oklah actuallie..

-friday-
din slp de whole thurs nite..was playin playstation wif fikri frm 12 till like 6+ in de morn..kinda interestin..was bored..onli stop wen my dad said dat we r meetin his fren at 6.45..n dat time was like 6.15..haha..luckily everythg was ready..juz bath n go..i mean..get ready b4 dat lah..we wer like hurryin..pray n get ready..bathe n all dat stuff..my dad left at abt 6.45 2 meet his fren hus joinin us..den dey went 2 de world trade centre 1st..my mum..my 2 younger bros n mi left at 7+..was late actuallie coz fikri wana go toilet 2 release..dat guy..so troublesome..reach at abt 8..at wtc..my dad was kinda down coz we reach late..we cld get de 8.10 ferry if we wer earlier..n we got prob..bt everythg is fine aft sme time n we get de tickets n get on de ferry at abt 9.10..it took like arnd 2 hrs 2 reach tg batu..wel..neva go der b4..oh yar...we met de pengantin on de way..wel..de pengantin was a singaporean..my dad's fren's son..n he's marryin a tg batu woman..

reach der at abt 10+..de time der..de time here is 11+..its an hour earlier here..straightaway went 2 de hotel..same hotel s de pengantin..i neva went 2 a hotel like dat b4..was complainin at 1st..n my tears actuallie welled in my eyes wen at 1st..felt so pathetic..rent 2 big rms..de biggest rms in de hotel..bt de rm was like a normal small high-class hotel..de rms wer nt wel-furnished..n its kinda uncomfortable..we left de hotel soon aft sembahyg n lunch..den went 2 de pengantin perempuan hse..its a village..in de car on de way der..my dad said 2 mi.."u muz learc hw other ppl's lives r...''n dono wat else..its like hw ppl der live..de place was bustlin wif ppl..vehicles..xpecialy motorbikes..dey r everiwer..actuallie we don plan 2 go 2 de weddin wich wil b held on sat..bt guess atlast my dad changed his mind..we get quite close wif de pengantin lelaki..or izit juz mi..coz my parents aready knew him..bt i dont..bt we r like talkin abt all stuffs n he's nice..nice guy..bt dun worrie..i don fall 4 him..haha..der wer sooo many mosquitos everiwer wen we wer sitin outside de hse..kampong hses..xpecialy arnd maghrib...its bin long since i saw my blood..hehe..my dad said we cld du a gd deed er by donatin our blood..hahar..kinda frustratin u noe tryin to fan away de mosquitoes..we r nt used 2 it..bt de ppl der wer like so..i envy dem..my mum said de mosquitoes r bored of de indonesian's blood..dey wana taste other's blood..haha..was itchy everiwer..n u noe wat..we went berarak'..like walk arnd de kampong n back 2 de hse..n u noe wat..i was carryin de 'gubahan'..a pair of sandals..n its nt nice u noe..i mean..its nt 2 my taste..hehe..so abd rite..bt nvm lah..n de pengantin was actually walkin behind mi...feels so awkward..n my dad was carryin de umbrella 4 de pengantin..haha..laughed at him..bad rite..hmm..left at 9..i mean its 10 here..nite..hmm..bt it was stil chaotic der..bt we juz go off early...

-sat-
woke up at dono wat time..bt nt late..den my dad bot breakfast n we all ate in de hotel rm..went out aft jama' zuhur n asar 2 de jemputan...n went back at..4get wat time..den went 2 jalan-jalan arnd de shops n stalls der..bot 2 shirts..de shirts r de same s i bot wen i went langkawi..onli dat diff colour n pattern..de prints on de shirts i mean..dat day was black n brown..n dis time i bot pink n blue..mine is pink n my sis blue..bt don mind..can share..its free size..we always share our clothes aniwae..bot pink coz he likes red..he likes pink 2..i actuallie bot it coz i tink of him..yar..u noe wat..i actuallie brot de bear along..so he's always der wif mi..hehe..de stoopid..sorie..i mean kpo immigrasion man at indon der was so kpo..he keep sayin its mr bean's bear..don bother him niwae..den aft walkin der..we went abck 2 de hotel..maghrib n jama' isyak n we wer off 4 dinner..went 2 de restaurant near Gembira Hotel..we wer suppose 2 b stayin der bt u noe..tings change..n we end up at Prima Hotel..kinda regret nt stayin at Gembira Hotel..its much mor nicer n seems so much beter..my dad's frens say its kinda de best hotel arnd der..de food was nice at de restaurant..xceot 4 de noodles..like no taste..n de price was ok..RP 218,000...haha..its like onli $40+..de black pepper crab is so nice..n its soo cheap..reach back at de hotel at abt 11...

-sun-
its de last day..woke up..subuh..n den slp again..cant slp actuallie..my dad wana go out 2 du sme shoppin..i mean..walk arnd..bt i was so lazy..he cme in my rm..wich i shared wif fikri..n say sme tings bt i was nt listenin..juz noddin..de next moment..he's aready gone n i closed my eyes back..hehe..den a few mins later..went out 2 my parents rm..opp my rm..my mum n boboy wer der..bt boboy wer slpin..den i slp in my parents rm wile my mum was doin sme stuff..bt my mum slept on de bed soon..a few mins later..fikri cme back..wif a plastic bag full of nasi lemak..my dad's fren bot it 4 us..i cost 20 cents sing..haha..bt it was little lah de nasi lemak..den i bathe n juz wait 4 my dad n fikri 2 cme back..dono wer dey go..was packin lah actuallie coz we'll b takin de 10 am ferry..wich is 11 am sing...went out at abt 9.10..de time der..n go 4 last min shoppin..bot a levi's jeans 4 myself..n keropok n all dat stuff..den straightaway went 2 catch de ferry..haha..nt plane..de ferry's full..nt s we go..wen we went on fri..it was so empty u can choose ur place n sit ani way u like..bt it was full on de ferry back..luckily we gt de porter 2 'chop' 4 us seats while he place our bags..n 1 luggage...de wave wer big u noe..if u r sea sick..u can juz vomit..went up 2 de open-air space n wer like flyin everiwer..gosh..den sit der n feels like fallin n flyin anitime..haha..n feels like vomitin..den went abck 2 my place n tryin nt 2 vomit..reach sing nearly 2 hrs later n went staright back home...dats de ened of my trip..hehe...

4 de 1st time..i let sme1 read my blogger..n it was riah...i don realie mind lettin her read..was chattin wif her coz she's online juz s i cme online..asyiqin was online 2 bt din chat wif her coz i was bz on my blogger..writin all dis stuff..talked abt him a little..riah said he's fine..good 4 him..wel..good 4 mi 2..atleast he's fine..i rep ct..she msg mi yest morn bt i din rep back..wel..she asked if i'm free 2 go bugis dis fri..gotta c coz kak nana is gg 2 tunang on sat..she's my cuz..bt nt realie close 2 her..im nt realie close 2 my dad's side..wel..she's actuallie younger den my sis..soon enuf..i'll b an auntie..wow..feels so old..haha..ahhh..he's stil so fresh in my memory..i was actually tinkin abt him de whole time..bt u noe wat..i dono y ders dis feelin wich tels mi everythg wil b fine soon..xpecialy wen sch reopens..its so strong u noe de feelin..bt hope its true..wel..gg nw..kinda tired..bt gg 2 pray 1st aft dis..hope tmr wil b a beter day...nitey nitez...

Beary Hugzzz @ |10:52 PM|

dedicated 4 him...tho i noe he wont b readin..
--i love u no matter wat..ppl say tings seem impossible..bt ders stil a ray of lite shinin..s long s de sun n moon is here..i stil hope 4 de best..i wont lose my hopes juz like dat..u r 2 precious 2 mi..wen im feelin down..i dono y..i stil tink dat u r der 4 mi..its nt easy 4 mi 2 4get u..we've bin 2gether 4 7 mths..altho it seems short..de time we spent 2 gether is enuf 2 last mi 4 a lifetime..i dono if tings wil turn out de way s i xpected..im nt askin u 2 love mi..i wont ever force ppl 2 do dat...its bin 9 days since u leave mi..im tryin 2 get over it..i don wana b showin a facade..i don wana wear a mask animor 2 hide my true feelins..i wan 2 live my life s normal..u've bin makin mi happie all dis while..bt nw..i gotta make myself happie..i beliv i can du dat..coz i beliv i stil hav u wif mi..im sorie 4 takin so much of u..im sorie k dear..i juz nd 2 noe dat u r here..it keeps mi gg..i noe i did alot of wrongs..sorie 4 de time i hurt u..caused u so much pain..u've wasted ur energy..time..money..sweat..n even blood 4 mi..i dono hw i can ever repay u back..u've bin a wonderful bf..altho u may b 'loud' at times..bt u r actuallie a gentle guy inside..watever it is..i hope u'll b happie..anytime..anywer..wif all de ppl arnd u..u gotta take care of urself..coz u r de best person 2 du it..u always hav confidence in urself..n i hope u wil cont 2 b like dat...--

Beary Hugzzz @ |9:31 PM|

Thursday, December 18, 2003

whew..my head is soo pain..dono y..feels like its spinnin..hurts so much..since morn..hmm..bt its alrite..can bear wif it..wel..went johor juz nw..my parents n younger bros..my dad woke mi up at 11+..actuallie i was nt sleepin..juz lyin on de bed ..don wana get off it..n my dad cme in n woke mi up..left hse at arnd 12+ n straight away went kotaraya..n de 1st ting we did was 2 sembahyg zuhur n jama' asar..ders a mosque in de buildin itself..its normal in malaysia..u noe wat..i felt so peaceful wen im in de mosque..i dono y..juz feel so calm..mayb i shld go mosque mor often..haha..we den went 2 eat..eat rice..bin a few daes din eat it..n ders juz so many stuff 2 eat..ikan pari bakar..chap choy..kerang..satay..n my bros ate nasi ayam goreng..was so full..den we went city sqare n den went komtar..actuallie i wana buy my sch shoes n bag..bt cldnt find 1 wich i like so atlast din buy..only my bro bot 2 pairs of sch shoes..i wana buy adidas shoes bt dey cost arnd RM225-230..so tink juz buy at singapore..my dad say its abt de same..hehe..reach home at 8+..wel..mayb tmr gg tanjong batu..smewer in indonesia..take ferry der..hmm..bt nt confirm..juz noe abt it juz nw..its kinda laz min..so is de trip 2 JB juz nw..don wana go juz nw bt my dad asked mi 2..so atlast gotta go..dono wats wrong wif my dad..everytime ask mi 2 folo..everytime i donwan aso atlast stil go..hee..nvm abt dat..wel..if im gg tmr..i'll b back on sun..my dad said ders nt much shoppin der..juz go der n rest..relax..u noe..juz lepak in de hotel..i told my dad ok..i'll go..i juz wana slp n rest in de hotel..nt gg 2 join in de shoppin or wateva..i realie tink i need time 2 sort tings out..bt i tink i cant realie b in a quiet place..i'll get crazy tinkin n tinkin..haha..

jeni aready cme back yest..bt we cant realie msg coz she's over-budget..hp..wel..we r de same..we always over-budget..bt nw..i don realie use much aft my hp spoil..de laz hp bil was only $20+..hee..de bil cme a few daes earlier..quite happie wif it..i mean de bill..ct aso msg dis morn..ask if i cld folo her go bugis nex wk..mayb wif jeni 2..coz its bin quite long we go out 2gether..i asked her 2 ask jeni den confirm de day wif mi..wel..i wana go bugis since dat day 2..juz walk arnd n buy sme tings..n spend time wif my frens..wel..sch wil b reopenin soon 2..abt 2 wks frm nw..exactly 2 wks frm tmr..u noe wat..i realie tot of callin him up dis morn..i juz feel bad..dono y..wana say sorie 2 him..dats all..ive bin tinkin abt it since yest nite wen i wana go 2 bed..haiz..bt stil din call coz i realie hav no time 2 call him up dis morn..wake up n gt ready aready..wel..tot of callin him coz actuallie my dad mentioned of sleepin at puteri pan pacific 2day..nt sure wen we wil b comin back..so..tink i beter say sorie 2 him b4 its 2 late..bt nvm..haiz..realie tot of callin him up 2 say sorie..i dono y..i tink i'll juz feel beter aft i du dat..shld i du dat?or shld i nt?i dono..i realie dont..i wonder hw he is..he's surely fine..its been 6 days..n tmr wil b exactly 7 days..1 wk..since im feelin like dis..it stil hurts..so much..

de last time i actuallie took public transport was like 2 wks ago..wen i went jalan raye wif my frens..wif him 2..so wen i actuallie took de mrt n all dat..i remembered him..wen i passed by de jurong east interchange..i saw de 335 place wer we always took 335 frm..wen he always sends mi home..i saw de bt panjang lrt wer i took wif him last last thurs..it juz hurts..i was holdin my pain in de mrt..was actually talkin wif my fam..smilin..bt wen i remembered all dat..de smile juz faded..i told myself..i stil love him so much..i wont let him go..no..i wont....i'll get him back..no matter wat it takes..i noe we'll hav 2 go thru so many obstacles..bt i don mind..isnt dat wat love is all abt..2 overcme obstacles n 2 sacrifice...i wil du dat dear..i'll go thru anythg 2 b wif u..i dono wen i can c him..wen i can hear his voice..guess no1 noes it 2..xcept he himself..or mayb nt even him..ive found de word 2 describe wat im gg thru..depression..yar..i tink dats it...

Beary Hugzzz @ |10:43 PM|

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

bin bloggin a whole damn lot dis few daes..indeed..bin on de comp most of de time..tho i realie tried 2 du sme other useful stuff..i noe y im like dis..bin so lifeles..n always wearin a mask 2 hide my true self..juz donwan my fam 2 get worried over mi..its all coz of wat happened on fri..de most useful ting dat i did dis few daes is doin de malay 10-yr-series..hmm..kinda du dat everyday 4 a few mins n den stop..bt atleast did try 2 du smethg..i dono if time passes by so slowly or fast..its like fast..yet slow..bin feelin so cold at nite..wil cover my whole self up..bt tink its gettin worse 2nite..i was shiverin aft i take 'wudhu' maghrib n isyak..oh my god..its so cold..mayb its also due 2 de dec wind..u noe..its always cold durin dis time..i don realie watch tv dis few daes..gt no mood..bt wen i watch it..its 2 relax myself..n 2 4get sme tings..bt i never succeeded..dey r always on my mind...
bin tinkin alot..i gt an answer..de real ans..y i wana broke up wif him..coz..i donwan any trouble btw him n his mum..i donwan his mum 2 beat him or shout at him at all..i don like dat..i don like 2 c him hurt or in pain..yeah..atleast i gt an answer..bt i cant live wifout him..i realie cant..i promise myself nt 2 take tings 4 granted animor..we humans r always prone 2 take tings 4 granted..my life's been a mess since fri..i juz feel like xplodin wif pain..hurt..guilt..n dono wat else is der inside of mi..i asked myself..wen can i feel de happiness i hav felt wen im wif him..wen??wen??i miss him a dear lot..countin down 2 hw many mor daes i can c him..atleast c him..16 days..coz i guess i'll get 2 c him on de 2nd of jan..i wan 2 start de new yr..2004..wif a new life..wif a new beginnin..i dono wen he'll call mi..bt wats der 2 call..frens don call each other up everyday..wel..if he did treat mi s a fren..

lookin back..i realized my mistake..i cant say dat i took him 4 granted..its juz dat i neva care 2 take sme time n realie appreaciate him..i told myself..if i ever get him back..i wil du anythg 2 make up 4 my mistakes..i wont take him 4 granted..i wil appreaciate him 4 bein der wif mi..4 lovin mi..n blah blah blah..i tink i cant go on like dis..my life's been hell wifout him..don say dat i don love u..i du..bt i don tink any1 noes hw much i love u..indeed..du u urself noe..if i cld turn back time..i wld du anythg so dat i wont feel dis way..arghhh..can any1 out der help mi..i noe y ive been bloggin a whole damn lot..its coz dis is de onli way i can release my tension..i can let out my feelins..everythg is cooped up in mi..no1 noes de agony im gg thru rite nw..only He noes..my dear dear dear love..i love u so much..n i mis u a whole damn lot..u can choose nt 2 trust mi..u can choose nt 2 beliv mi..bt juz noe dat dis self..dis heart inside of mi cant take it animor..juz noe dat i need u..i need u rite here wif mi..i realie du..hw much longer r u gg 2 punish mi..hw much longer r u gg 2 let mi b burnt by pain..i love u so much 2 ever leave u..i love u so much nt 2 mis u..n i love u so much 2 keep hopin dat u wil make my life beter...

Beary Hugzzz @ |10:19 PM|

i live each day wif a hope..4 nw..i hope dat i find de happiness ive been missin dis few daes..its been 5 days..slitely mor den dat..dat we r realie apart..im wonderin..if he can take it so wel..y cant i..mayb he realie hav no feelins 4 mi anymor..i gt 2 accept dat..bt nt nw..its been de same 4 dis 5 days..totally same..ive been feelin so sick..xpecialy nw..guess i lack wat i nd..i don hav a gd meal since fri..i don even feel hungry..i eat wen my fam members asked mi 2..wen dey asked mi y i din eat..i'll say im nt hungry..or dast im full..i realie don feel hungry at all..n wen ders any seafood..xpecialy prawns..i'll try 2 avoid dem..at my ibu's hse laz sun..she cooked dis sambal tiger prawns..de prawns wer soo big..so temptin..bt i din even eat..indeed..i din even eat at my ibu's hse.. i dono y i'm doin dis 2 myself..m i doin it bcoz of him..or m i doin it bcoz i juz wan 2 du it..mayb i'll feel beter doin dis..like 2day..i've onli drank water once..abt 1 or 2 small cups..i realie don feel hungry..or thirsty..my head juz hurts..i feel cold..n my body feels warm..wel..im gettin use 2 it..i feel so sick..bt i don care..i noe smethg is eatin mi up inside..bt i don feel de hurt..wat hurts most..my heart...
my mum asked if i wana go JB tmr..i said no bt don tink she heard it..wel..she aready went 2 work aniwae..wen i was sittin wif my dad watchin moon fairy juz nw..he told mi dat we r gg JB tmr..2 jalan2 he said..i told him i don wana go..he said we juz go jalan2..i said i donwan..i juz don hav de mood 2 go jalan2..altho i tink dats wat i nd nw..my dad den joked..den u wana go wer..switzerland..i said yar..n we both laughed..if i cld..i wld go..i remembe de times wen he said he wana go der..n mayb 4 our honeymoon..it hurts lookin back..i remember smethg..der was once wen dis ustaz or ustazah said..-wen u feel like u cant go on ur life wif de person u love n u feel its time 2 part..tink of de gd times u hav 2gether..it wil make ur love stronger..remember of de vows u hav made 2 each other..n 2 God..dat u'll b by each other side till death du u apart..juz tink of de wonderful moments u hav 2gether..n ur vows..it wil lead u 2 wer u shld b gg..n dat is 2 4get abt separatin..n 2 cont ur lives 2gether..n 2 shower each other in ur love-..i remember dat..n i noe i'll get over dis soon..
abt de moon fairy show..hou yi n chang'e r lovers..bt dey r celestials n dey cant fall in love..dey hav 2 face so much 2 b 2gether..bt deir love is so strong dat dey r even willing 2 die 4 each other..like wat hou yi said..-i've vowed 2 live my life wif u..s wel s 2 die wif u if der is a nd 2-..dats wat love is abt rite..2 sacrifice..2 bear de pain..wateva pain juz so dat u can b wif ur love..he also always said 2 mi..u r my life..hw can i live wifout u..so wer is all dat..r dey juz sweet words..or r dey sweet words bt full of meanin..does he means it wen he said it..or did he said it juz in a split moment n 4get abt it later..i dono..i realie dono...

Beary Hugzzz @ |8:33 PM|

my msn nick..frm laz nite...-love is part of life..der is no way we can avoid it...-
tink i've been folowin my heart instead of my head alot...

Beary Hugzzz @ |3:23 PM|

i juz realized smethg..2day is de 17th..if im stil wif him..we'll b celeb our 7th mth anni..17th..seince im wif him..i hav been lovin dat num..bcmes my fav num..17..nw..de memories r like rushin back..i dono y..smewer laz mth..he promised he'll go out wif mi on dis day..yar..2day..i donwan 2 remember dat..it juz hurts..damn much..i onli realized its our day dis morn..aft im done on de comp at arnd 1 dis morn..wel..it used 2 b our day..hmm..its been 5 days..i stil remember he called mi arnd dis time..well..we wer talkin arnd dis time..everytime i picked up de phone..i tot i'll hear his voice..bt no..i dono y..i realie du hope he'll call mi..actually i tot of callin him up coz i gt smethg 2 ask him..abt de ed board t-shirts n de hw..wel..tink i juz 4get it..kinda tot he'll giv mi a call 2day..on dis day..nt 2 say happi anni..bt mayb juz..wel..4get it..i realie tot 2day wil b a beter day..bt i dono y im feelin so down rite nw..my bro passed mi de phone juz nw..tot its him..bt it turns out 2 b i dono hu..gt de wrong num..n juz juz nw..it was abg afit n kak idah..n nt 4gettin my dad..arghh..y m i feelin crap...i'm feelin so down..i keep hopin tmr wil b a beter day..i don even feel like wakin up juz nw..wen i woke up..dono wat 2 du..i juz mis him so much...
yest nite..my sis n grandmama sudd talk abt him..wel..my sis asked "u realie broke up wif him aready rite?"..its like de 2nd time she asked mi dat..i asked hw she noe n she make faces..was kinda irritated coz i was so curious..feels like ders smethg she's hiding frm mi..i told her yar n told her dat its been quite long..gg 2 2 mths like dat..she said "dont talk nonsense lah..hari raya nt yet 1 mth"..guess she said dat coz i was stil wif him durin hari raya..bt i told her we broke up bt stil like de same..she den told mi she was juz guessin bt i realie feel so curious..n wen i was lyin on de bed n tryin 2 fall asleep..my grandmama sudd asked abt him..y he din call mi n all dat..den she asked y..izit bcoz his mum don let..i told her yar..we cant talk late at nite..i juz feel like screamin..or dig a hole n bury myself inside..im stil nt ready 2 tel my fam abt him..i dono y..n yest nite..i did say rite im feelin kinda beter..its like 1 load has juz vanish in mi..bt ders stil so many loads in der..aft readin asyiqin's blog..i'm hapie 4 her..shes kinda happie wif her life..xpecialy since he's in her life..n der wer realie enjoyin..she herself said she's been gg out much dis days..gd 4 her..bt readin her blog makes mi mis him so much mor..tink of de happie times we had..smetimes wen my frens told mi abt deir probs..i told dem 2 juz 4get it..bt nw i noe..its easy 2 say..bt try doin it..it takes much time..its nt easy..my dad actuallie wana go 4 a hol..altho we juz went 2 langkawi durin de laz sch hols..hehe..bt don tink nw is de rite time..coz i don hav mood 4 any hols..actuallie wana go de times square in KL..de new place..bt ders surely soo many ppl at dis time..n of coz i hav no mood 2 enjoy myself at dis time..den my dad wana go colmar..juz 2 relax der..tinkin it may b a gd idea coz i realie nd sme time 2 relax..2 tink..2 juz calm myself down..bt den..stil tink its beter 4 mi 2 stay put rite here 4 nw..im waitin 4 de day wen de load in mi whil vanish away..all of dem..wen i can smile..laugh..joke arnd..sincerely..i donwan 2 b puttin on a mask animor..i wan 2 b de real mi..de real shiqin...

Beary Hugzzz @ |3:17 PM|

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

haha..chattin wif asyiqin..she juz told mi she's aready attached..wel..gd 4 her..bt she has always been sayin she don wana get in2 relationship rite nw..actuallie..i tot he wil kinda fall 4 her again..n mayb try wooing her back or askin 4 a patch back..bt guess dats juz wat i tot..wen she said she's attached..i'm kinda wonderin if its wif him..bt she told mi he's 1 of her dikir instructor..wel..ok den..wish dem all de best..i juz donwan other ppl 2 b in a situation like mine..hmm..riah broke up wif he bf 2 bt atleast she's nt feelin s down s mi..u noe..she was der wen i needed her..she was der 2 listen 2 mi..n help mi feel beter..coz she's his cuz..u noe..i wana help her wif her x 2..bt wat can i du..i don even noe him..i feel bad 2 always make her listen 2 mi..bt she's feelin fine..real fine i guess..coz she said she don hav any feelins 4 him animor..wel..she's kinda angry wif him..hu noes de hurt n pain she's feelin inside..dey've been quite long 2gether..n gone quite far..i mean..dey've been close..bt guess u dono de rough part ppl wer havin..everythg seems fine on de outside..bt inside..only de ppl facin it wil noe..she's kinda irritated wif him coz he kept msgin her every nite w/out fail..askin 4 a patch..atleast he did dat..bt tink she realie hav no feelins 4 him aready..or dat she juz nd sme time 2 cool down..sme1 don even bother 2 contact mi in any way..wel..4get it lah..haiz..asyiqin wish mi all de best wif him..i wish her all de best wif her guy 2..salleh..n she calls him abg..dats so sweet rite..wel..its onli rite she calls him dat since he's 20..she actuali said she donwan 2 cme btw mi n him..bt she said she juz donwan mi 2 tink smethg like dat..haha..wen she wish mi all de best wif him..i said thanx n told her dat we r juz havin a rough time rite nw..bt i'm sure tings wil get beter..i dono y..bt dis nite..i juz feels beter..juz tink dat smethg good wil cme out soon..i mean..i juz tink dat tings wil get beter..n everythg wil get over soon..i'll be happie once again..hee..hope i'm rite...wel..jeni said she comin back tmr..dono y bt i've been kinda lookin 4ward 2 it..mayb i'll feel beter aft i talk tings out wif her..she also said dat we'll talk wen she cme back..u noe..abt my prob..hmm..mayb i can go out n buy my sch stuffs wif her 2..wen we r both free..tink i juz nd sme time out rite nw..n u noe wat..i'm stil kinda waitin 4 his call..msg..wateva involvin him..hee..i'm juz sure evrythg wil b over..ders always an end 2 tings rite...

Beary Hugzzz @ |11:31 PM|

love is part of life..gt it wen watchin 'moon fairy'..dats wat hou yi said..hehe..love is everywer..we wont b here wifout love..love is part of life..wat is life wifout love..izit a mistake 2 love sme1..izit my mistake 2 love him...izit my mistake dat i've fallen in love wif him..ppl may say i'm juz a teen hus learnin abt love..hus juz started 2 love n noe de meanin of love..bt i dun tink love is a game..love is nt a game 2 mi..its nt juz a feelin..its everythg..its everythg 2 mi..i wont b able 2 live wifout love..n i wont b livin if its nt 4 love..i keep askin myself..wat mistakes hav i done..mayb my mistake is..dat i love him..bt 2 mi..its nt a mistake..love is blind..ur love 1 cmes into ur life wifout de need of permission..don tel mi i need a permission 2 love sme1..i beliv love is everythg a person needs..nt wealth..n nt even health..n u noe wat..i juz realized 1 wk ago..at dis time..i was talkin 2 him on de phone..he was in de hosp..yar..i juz realized dat wen i saw PCK..he called mi wen i was watchin PCK n doin de malay ten-yr-series..he was kinda shocked dat i was actually studyin..hehe..he do noes hw lazy i m..haha..my bro mentioned his name juz nw..my youngest bro..i smiled..bt soon..de memories cme back again..wel..wateva i du..he'll b on my mind..he neva gav mi 1 single moment of peace..dat guy..dat guy hu receives most of my love..tinkin again..is my love realie so worthless 2 him..izit..i dono..i dono if i cld trust a guy again..bt i noe nt all guys r de same..ct juz told mi dat day wen we went 4 de bbq dat she cant trust guys animor..mayb due 2 her dad n bf..bt i told her nt all guys r de same..she said 2 her all guys r..nw..im tinkin back of all dat she said..mayb ders sme truthfulnes der..i dono..i juz keep askin myself y did he leave mi so easily..i realie feel so worthless..i juz cant accept dat we've parted..gosh..i love him so much..nt all my frens wil understand..nt all my fam members wil understand de agony i'm gg thru..de confusion..de pain..wil my frens understand if i tel dem..dats y i din tel dem..xcept 4 ppl hum i tink wil understand mi..atleast try 2 understand..bt hw long r dey gg 2 listen 2 mi..hw long muz dey try 2 understand mi..i donwan 2 triuble any1..i juz don feel gd doin dat..i don wan 2 waste deir time..i donwan 2 make dem hear mi rumblin on n on..wat wil dey tink of mi den..bt nw..i'm tryin my best 2 b my old self..i wan 2 b happie..i noe i wont b happie inside..nt nw..bt atleast i can try 2 b happie..1 ppl feelin down is enuf..let mi b de only person..i don wan 2 complicate others in my prob..i noe de feelin..i donwan others hum i love 2 feel it 2..its juz hurt so much..i donwan dat..juz let mi feel it..nt de ppl i love...

Beary Hugzzz @ |8:35 PM|

like sands thru de hourglass..so r de days of our lives..haha..take de phrase frm de serial 'days of lives'..watch dat show nearly verday dis days..gt nothg 2 du..i used 2 luv it laz time..cant miss it..woke up at 1 or 2 in de morn juz 2 watch dat show coz cant watch it in de aft wen i'm schoolin..bt nw..tink my life is gettin mor interestin n i shld look at my own life n nt others..u noe wat..i was graspin 4 air juz nw.breathin real hard..my heart was thumpin so fast..so hard..dats wen i finished watchin days of our lives..was like a heart attack victim on de bed..i den went 2 bathe..tot de hot water wld wash away my pain..de water was real hot..bt i dun realie bother until i was bathin halfway..dats wen de water realie feels so hot on my skin..i den change it 2 med hot..u noe..hot n cold water..nt 2 hot n nt 2 cold..i let de water wash down my pains..my hurts..my feelins..aft de shower..i sembahyg zuhur..aft prayin i pray 2 God..don feel like stoppin..i pray 4 ever1..every1 hum i noe..i juz tink i was veri sincere..i juz feel dat He's der listenin 2 mi..i feel so good aft prayin..i told Him..if we r fated 2 b 2gether..we wil b 2gether..i noe dat..mayb nw..we nd sme time 4 ourselves..sme time 2 tink..i noe ders always bariers in relationships..ders hardships..mayb dis is 1 of dem..mayb He juz wan 2 test hw strong our love is..i can take all dis if i don luv him..bt de matter nw is..i du..i love him..so much..i told Him..if dis is a test frm u..i'll gladly accept it..juz dat i nd Him 2 giv mi de strength wich i nd..n dat He shld lead mi thru de rite way..i noe i can du it..i muz b strong..dats wat jeni told mi..i wil..i'm strong..i can du it..i'll go thru dis ordeal n ends up wif a victory...
i was lookin out of de window juz nw wen my grandmama asked mi wat i'm searchin 4..i den heard his name..i gav a slight smile..den walked out de kitchen..wel..mayb i du hope 2 c him..wel..i du hope 2 c him..c hw is he..actually..i've tot dat he wld actually cme down..like wat he did de day aft we broke up..on de 3rd of nov..he cme on de 4th of nov..beggin mi..all dat stuff..bt nw..no..its been 4 days..he din even cal..4 days ago..at dis time..i'm talkin 2 him on de phone..yes..exactly 4 days ago..its onli 4 days we've been apart..its been onli 4 days he leave mi..bt it feels like its been 40 days..400 days..wateva..i tot s days goes by..he'll nt haunt mi so much..dat i'll feel beter..get over it..bt it does nt..tings don turn out dat way..i miss him so much mor..i love him so much mor..i'm feelin de same amt of pain..hurt..i'm stil xpectin him 2 call..bt i wont force him..i wont even ask him 2 talk 2 mi if he donwan 2..its all up 2 him..if he feels like dg smethg..den let him du it..i donwan 2 live in a world of regrets..in a world of 'ifs'..i donwan 2 keep sayin 'if' all my life..i'm juz a girl..i'm juz a human bein..i hav de feelin of love inside of mi..sadness..i m a person wif feelings..i du love sme1..n wat du u tink i wan..of course i wan 2 live my life wif him..i wan 2 be wif him..i wan 2 b der 4 him..i dono..mayb der wil b other gal hu wil love him s much s i du..bt 4 nw..i cant accept dat..i always beliv i love him de most..i dono..i juz love him so much..i love him so much...

Beary Hugzzz @ |3:14 PM|

juz finish watchin survivor..well..its stil on actually..de reunion..i don bother 2 c it..i juz wana c hus de sole survivor..kak idah actually msg mi in de aft juz nw..ask mi if i wana go chalet wif her tmr nite..wel..its aready midnite nw so its 2nite..wif her frens..all gals..n she saiddey r all veri friendly..don tink i can go aso..laz time wen my sis went..she gotta cme back at nite..hmm..n i nt in de mood at all 2 enjoy myself..i mis him so much mor..altho its onli 3 days i din hear his voice..bt de fact dat he's no longer mine hurts..smetimes..i tink i'll juz feel much beter off dead den havin 2 feel all dis pain..seriously..i hav neva felt so much pain in my life b4..krrp tinkin abt him..no matter wat i do..listened 2 de song n watch de video clip of '21 questions' bt 50 cent..i love dat song..coz he love it 2..its realie nice..n sme part of it..he always sings it 2 mi..n he even wrote it in 1 of his apology letter..1 of a few letters he actually gav mi..i watched de video clip PIMP too..get busy by sean paul n a few other songs..all frm de yahoo's launch music..he loves music..love music so much..n he neva realie tink twice 2 buy any cds..he has so many cds..spent so much on his cds..he's nt like mi..i tink so many times b4 i buy smethg..i bought a cd once n den kinda regret..spend so much wen i can borrow de cd or download..or wateva..he's always so generous wif his money..even b4 we get 2gether..he bot 4 mi a box of ferrero rocher..i was juz playin wen i asked him 2 buy 4 mi s wel wen he bot it 4 his fren bday..neva expected him 2 realie buy it 4 mi..de whole box..heehee..he's so sweet..gosh..i cant get over him..tink wat riah said is true..de best way 2 cure mi is 2 talk 2 him..bt he din even call mi..i told myself..i wil nt get angry at him..i'll nt shout at him..i wil nt scold him..i wil talk nicely 2 him..i noe i can do it..u wana noe y..coz even until nw..i du nt get angry wif him..i juz don feel angry 2wards him..i don tink he has made any mistakes..i dono y..tink i juz love him mor..i'll stil respect him..i'll stil love him..i'll stil care 4 him..its onli rite 4 mi 2 care abt another person..xpecialy if i noe him..he's stil my fren..i dono if i'll talk 2 him wen we meet in sch later..mayb at 1st we wont..coz i'm sure i stil du feel hurt..bt mayb i'll stil talk 2 him..wats der nt 2 talk..wats der 2 avoid each other..we've been so close..i've neva been so close wif a guy b4..n furthermor..we r in de same sch..same class..we'll meet everyday..or nearly everyday..i wont run away frm him..i juz wan 2 run away frm dis feelings i feel rite nw..stil cant get over it..pain..hurt..so much...
i can always talk 2 my fam members abt wat i'm gg thru rite nw..2 my sis..cuz..aunt..even my parents n grandma..dey noe him much 2..we've been close..he's de 1st guy my fam noes dat i'm 2gether wif..even laz time wen i'm wif azri..dat is like 5-6 yrs ago..or was it 3-4 yrs ago..its juz monkey love..went on stead..4 a few days..den i hav silence break..i don wana talk 2 him or answer his call..n i tried 2 avoid him weneva i cld..dono wats wrong wif mi..juz kinda angry wif him.. s wel s irritated..bt dat was laz time..nw..if we meet..we don avoid each other nimore..we smile or talk..dats all..bt de last 2 times i met him was at geylang..bt he din c mi or juz donwan 2 c mi..i dono..he told my bro he realie din c mi..n he i saw him 2 wen i was wif farhan at my hse bustop..was waitin 4 157..farhan send mi hme frm buyin my raye shoe at orchard..n while sittin der bside farhan..saw him on de bus..335..he saw mi 2..bt i cont talkin 2 farhan..don bother him..n nw..its all memories..s i said..i cld always talk 2 my fam members..bt i donwan dem 2 tink badly of him..i donwan my fam members 2 tink dat hes just playin mi..or nt gd enuf 4 mi..i donwan 2 trouble dem wif my probs 2..dey hav deir own troubles..bt my fam members hav been gd 2 mi..wel..dey r veri important in my life..like nw..i stil hav dem 2 rely on..i always told myself i stil hav deir love..n i always hav deir love..it can cover up 4 his love..bt aft dat i told myself no..i stil nd his love..y?coz i stil love him so much..i cant juz let it go like dat..i juz mandi hadas 2day..so 2day den i started prayin aft sme time nt prayin..wen i pray..i feel so good..i dono y..bt i feel like cryin 2..juz hold on 2 it..i cried everyday wifout miss..even juz nw i cried..bt my eyes hurt..so i told myself i cant go on cryin..it wil juz spoil my eyes badly..i doa after each prayer..i ask Him 4 guidance..2 guide mi along His path..guide mi thru de rite way..4giv my mistakes..open his heart..mine..his mum..everyone's..i juz pray wat cmes 2 mind..bt mostly..i asked him 4 guidance..dats wat i nd most nw..guide mi thru de rite path n guide mi 2 avoid de path wich He hates..wich i shld nt b gg..n nt 2 4get..2 take away dis feelings in mi..de pain n hurt..i told Him dat only He noes de pain n hurt i'm gg thru rite nw..its hurtin mi so much..i noe He hear mi..i dono wats next..durin de fastin mth..i hav always prayed dat his mum's heart wil b opened..dat she wil accept both of us 2gether..wil b happie 4 us..wont b 2 harsh on him..n wen my mum asked mi 2 drink de 'air zam-zam' frm makkah..since nek piah juz cme back frm umrah..i drink in..n pray de same ting..u noe..his mum..n dat we both wil b happie 2gether 4eva..bt i'm nt goin 2 giv up prayin..i noe He's listenin 2 mi..i noe He'll be der 4 mi..He'll neva turn his back on mi..i need Him rite nw..i need Him so bad..so much..i trust in Him..i hav faith in Him..i noe he noes wats best 4 mi..i juz feel beter knowin i hav Him...4 nw..gd nyte..i'll try 2 slp..i don wana hav puffy eyes..black eyes..n durin dis time..i cld try 2 4get abt my probs..it wil b a new day today..it'll b a beta day...

Beary Hugzzz @ |12:56 AM|

Monday, December 15, 2003

i noe i've been bloggin much dis few days..wel..it juz makes mi better..i noe ders stil hope 4 mi..4 us..i wont giv up yet..if i cld..i wld turn back de time..of course i wana meet him..n b wif him..onli dat i wil try 2 change so dat ppl wont tink so lowly of mi..i wan 2 b hu i m..i wan ppl 2 accept mi s i m..i donwan 2 act infront of dem..juz so dat dey wil like mi..i noe..ders ppl u like s wel s u dislike..i don blame ppl 4 dislikin or hatin mi..i juz wana noe y..wat did i du..smethg is trap within mi..mayb my feelin of love..it juz wan out..shld i cont 2 love him or shld i juz 4get him..i noe i cant..i noe i stil du love him..n i wil love him 4 s long s i cld..i wont giv up yet..mayb tings r nt so bad aft all..mayb like wat riah n jeni said..we need time 2 cool down..we need time 2 solve n clear tings up..everthg needs time..yar..dey r rite..onli dat i don tink i cld stand it animor..i wana scream..i wana beg..i wana du anythg 2 make mi feel beta..riah said de best ting is 2 talk 2 him..my ego is 2 high..2 much..yes..i admit..i dono..m i soundin so desperate..mayb i du..bt riah said no..its juz dat i realie love him..i was kinda hopin he'll call mi..i waited til nw..no..he din..mayb i'm juz xpectin 2 much..i stil don wana beliv dat he don love mi..i dono y..my heart juz don wana understand n accept it..ders juz 2 much memories wif him..juz 2 much..if i need 2 change..i wil..i wil try 2 change..if i cant talk 2 him on de phone always..cant go out wif him always..its alrite..i cld always du dat..i juz wan 2 noe dat he's mine..n i'm his..dat i love him n dat he loves mi..its 2 late 4 any regrets..bt i don tink its 2 late 2 realize de mistakes dat hav been done..if onli sme1 cld show mi de way dat i nd 2 folo..if onli sme1 wil guide mi thru dis darkness..i'm juz a human bein..a totally normal human bein..n i'm juz learnin abt life..i need guidiance..i need care..concern..understanding..n most importantly..love..i du hav my weaknesses..bt at de same time..i believe i du hav my strongness..4 nw..i realie nd sme1 hum i can confide in..sme1 hu wil listen 2 my heart..sme1 hu wil try 2 advice mi..sme1 hu wil understand n care 4 mi..sme1 hu nt giv up on mi no matter wat...i du hav my pride..i wont go so low..smetimes i juz feel so worthless..even prostitutes n sluts hav worth so much..yet i worth so low..he always hate it wen i say dis..wen i even tink of dis..he wil make mi promise i wont say it..wen i love sme1..i realie du..i neva felt so much love in mi b4..i neva noe i hav so much love in mi..hw can my love juz b thrown like dat..hw can my love juz b forgotten like dat..wat hav i eva nt done 4 my love..wat unforgiven mistakes hav i eva done..god..pls help mi 2 pull thru all dis..

u noe wat..yest aft i went 2 jemputan n perjumpaan hari raya wif my fam..we went 2 cik chomel's hse..my cuz..hakim..sunat..wel..nt dat realie close cuz..he's my grandma's sis grandson..wel..he's de only grandson in de fam..de rest r all grandaughters..so..he's always so special..receive so much love..niwae..he's de only son 2 de parents..de most interestin ting is de occasion was under de block..even gt pelamin..haha..so young aready gt pelamin specially 4 him..other ppl hav 2 wait till dey get married 2 b able 2 sit on de pelamin..he sunat on thurs..so he was aready runnin n playin arnd wif his other cuzs yest..i tot dat was realie fast 4 him 2 get wel..de occasion was just like a wedding..realie de same..wif all de preparation..invitation..everythg was juz like a wedding...

Beary Hugzzz @ |8:36 PM|

chatted wif riah til 3+ dis morn..atleast i hav sme1 2 talk 2..n wats best is dat she's his cuz..de pain is stil 2 much..i cant seem 2 du anythg or 2 concentrate in anythg..i don hav mood at all..don feel like wakin up at all frm slp..at all..y muz all dis happen..ders 1 qn i hav been askin myself..wat hav i eva done 2 make myself so low in his mum's eyes..n nw..does he stil love mi...or does he eva loved mi b4...i dono if i can bear de pain n hurt any longer..if i can cont life s per normal..its onli been 3 days since it happened..bt its like ages 4 mi..its 3+ nw..i noe i was cryin like crazy 3 days ago..at dis time..i'm kinda waitin 4 him 2 call..since its a mon..mayb he cld call mi up..bt until nw..no..no news of him..din hear his voice at all..neva receive anythg frm him..like a msg or smethg..everythg has disappear..everythg abt him..it just damn hurts..riah said dat he's fine wen she called him on sat..good..i neva wan anythg 2 happen 2 him..bt wonder wat he's doin nw..enjoyin his time while i actually mourned 4 him here..i'll just b here 4 a short while..my big bro asked if i wana use de comp coz he was usin it juz nw..i neva intend 2 use de comp at dis time bt guess i'll juz make use of de opportunity 2 blog..i cant b keepin all dis feelings 2 myself..i juz changed my nick..yest was 'i neva felt so much pain in my life b4'..n nw..i juz changed it 2 'i neva realized hw dirty i m until u threw mi away'...guess i'm rite rite...i do beliv in miracles bt i don xpect any miracles 2 happen rite nw..i'm waitin 4 jeni 2 cme back..mayb she'll realie b a gd listener n wil stand by mi no matter wat..i guess i realie nd her..i juz nd sme1 hu wil try 2 understand mi n listen 2 mi s wel giv sme advices n deir real tots..gosh..its true isnt it wen dey say de person u love most is de person hu can hurt u de most 2..yeah..guess its realie true..4 nw..i'm tryin my best nt 2 tink of him..bt hw 2..he's everywer..sch is reopenin..mayb my life wil b beter..i shld concentrate n try 2 focus on my studies..tho i doubt i cld..bt mayb i cld overcme all dis n lead my life s normal again..no..nt s normal..bt atleast nt wif so much pain n hurt like i'm feelin rite nw..i realie love him..miss him..god..i realie love him..i wont stop lovin him until i'm realie sure he has no feelings 2 mi..dis is all part of life..relationship..i noe dat..hope dat everythg wil b fine soon...

Beary Hugzzz @ |3:54 PM|

Sunday, December 14, 2003

u noe..altho i'm feelin so much pain n hurt dis few days..i was makin alot of noise juz nw..i mean..i showed ppl i'm happy..u noe..like ders no problems 4 mi..i was so noisy wen i'm at ibu's hse..talkin nonsense..makin jokes..laughin like crazy..i mean..dats a great achievement 4 mi..juz nw ibu mentioned abt treatin her 2 swesen's again..n ders his name again..4 de 1st time in a few days..i actually said his name..der..she juz called..n his name..again..gosh..help mi..juz heeeelp mi get over dis..its hurtin mi damn much..
riah hav been askin mi wat i'm gonna du if he has another gal..i dono..i realie dont..wat can i say..bt riah hopes everythg wil b fine once sch reopens...du u noe hw much i'm hurtin rite nw..hw much pain i'm feeling..it took so much 2 b wif him..bt it took juz a min 4 everythg 2 crumble down..fer goes my love..my sacrifices..my effort..everythg..it juz hurt damn much..hw much further n hw much longer wil i hav 2 go thru dis pain...

Beary Hugzzz @ |10:31 PM|

i'm juz so tired..juz cme back frm ibu hse 4 raya..i spent most of my time out 4 dis 2 days..bt mayb dats good..atleast at sme point of time it makes mi 4get abt wat i don wana remember..bt u noe rite hw diff it is..4 dis 2 days..his name neva escape..my family members juz hav 2 rub it in..wel..i neva blame dem..dey dono anythg..bt my grandmama asked y heva called mi 4 a few days aready..i juz shook my head..den my aunt ask if he's ok aready i said yar..den she asked y..he merajuk bcoz i din visit him at hosp izit..den i say nolah..he wont merajuk..n 2day..again..my grandma ask he's angry wif mi or wat coz he din call..i say nolah..i told her he called mi yest aft..bt actually it was fri..my grandma aso don beliv mi..she said she din c mi talkin on de phone yest..i juz keep quiet den..yest nite i asked my sis if she realie showed kak siti his photo..my sis don wana tel mi bt atlast she say no..dono realie or nt coz de photo was under de pillow..den she sudd asked mi if we hav broken up..i asked hw she noe..den she say so its real ah..den i say no..haven..juz dat he cant call mi..den i dono wat else we talk abt..its juz makin mi sick..all dis..i keep lyin..i don wana lie nimore..i got to accept it..n it must b done s soon s i can take it..god..pls..help mi..i juz cant 4get him..everythg abt him..chattin wif riah nw..she was aready online wen i cme online..tink i beta get over it..its hurtin mi so much..i neva felt so much pain in my life b4...

Beary Hugzzz @ |9:50 PM|

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Dia (Fauziah Latiff)

Dia..insan pertama yg bertakhta
dia..insan pertama yg ku cinta
dia..pernah membuat ku bahagia
dia yg megajarku tentang erti rindu
dia..yg dulu pernah ku sanjungi
pergi..sehingga kini tak berganti
hilang..dari pandangan hidup ini
membawa luka pedih tak terperi

*tiada ku duga
permulaan yg jernih
menjadi keruh dgn tiba-tiba
bisa rintangan antara ku dan dia
cinta terhalang oleh orang tua
kini..terkilan sungguh rasa hati
dia..tak pernah lagi ku temui
dia..ku abadikan dlm jiwa
terima kasih atas segalanya*(end:3x)

look at de lyrics of de song..it means so much 2 mi..its wats happenin 2 mi nw..dis song makes mi realize i'm nt de only 1 in dis world havin 2 go thru dis..

Beary Hugzzz @ |7:35 PM|

i cant slp de whole nite yest..i tried so hard 2 slp bt i cant..i wanted 2 slp so badly..dats de only time i cld get away frm all dis feelings inside of mi..bt i juz cant..i kep cryin..de whole nite..i lie on de bed..covered myself wif de comforter..turn here..der..look at his photo..read his bk..bt i juz cant fall asleep..i was lyin on de bed s de clock struck 1,2,3,4,5..tink i fel asleep at 5+..den heard my dad wake my sis up 4 subuh n was awake wen dey wer prayin..mayb its arnd 6..my mum woke mi up sayin its 11+ n ask mi 2 get ready 2 go my dad's fren's hse..i woke up..lie on de bed..straighten out my tinkin wich was in a mess..wen i look at de time on my hp..it was nt yet 11..wel..gg 2..nw..i aready changed back coz my dad onli went wif fikri..i was gettin ready in de rm wen my sis told mi dat we're r nt gg anymor..boboy was so pitiful coz he was fully ready..bt i dono y i'm nt angry wif my dad..mayb ders no place in my heart 2 b angry animor..all i feel was pain..is pain..my eyes hurt frm de cryin..so is my head..bt i acted like normal..none of my family members noe abt wats happenin 2 mi...( 12.49 p.m.)

haiz,,juz cme back..i was writin on my blogger wen my dad's fren sudd appear 2 fetch us..wel..i get ready s soon s poss wifout even shuttin down de comp..my sis told mi 2 juz leave it..my bro was makin mi so angry..donwan 2 cme back..keep playin on the ps since he came til he cme home..cry like crazy until my dad's fren ask 2 leave him n dey wil send him at nite..bt my mum felt abd n called up my dad hu has aready went hme..atlast he cme home wif us s wel s de play-station..so pitiful my dad's fren chilren..luckily dey hav ps1 n ps2..n u noe wat..my dad's fren juz hav 2 drive a kia carens..in blue colour..n u noe wat rite..his parents drive de same car..n de 1st n onli time i met his mum was wen i 1st sat in de car..n i dono y wen dis happen..everythg involvin n hav anythg 2 du wif him wil happen..make mi rememba him..everythg..my tears keep wellin up in my eyes even wen i'm at my dad's fren hse..everythg hurts..tinkin abt de happy moments we hav 2gether hurts most..wer has his promises gone??swears?words wich i hav always believe??wer hav dey gone??i wonder if i cld eva trust him..ever trust a guy..he sounds so sincere..so truthful..so loyal..bt wer is de guy i hav love..de guy hum i hav love so much..wat hav i nt given him..wat hav i done??i keep askin myself..i realie feel like a piece of rubbish..or a toy..i'm onli useful 4 a short while..played wif..toyed wif..den wen i'm of no use..wen i'm dirty..i'll be thrown wifout any further tinkin..isnt dat rite...

Beary Hugzzz @ |7:05 PM|

Friday, December 12, 2003

juz finish watchin always on my mind..its de finale 2day..wil miss it..such a nice n sweet show..mayb i've learn hw 2 take tings easy..isnt dat gd..i told myself i cant cry..life has 2 cont rite..no matter wat..my tears juz start 2 well up wen certain memories past by..bt i told myself i gt 2 b strong..jeni told mi 2 b strong..i'm a strong gal..i wont b defeated by juz a blow..i gotta b strong..i got 2..jeni said dat in every path we take..der wil b smethg wich wil block us..block us frm gettin wat we wan..bt if we persevere..we wil attain success..she told mi dat he stil likes mi..i dono if i cld beliv dat..i dono y..bt i'm kinda waitin 4 his call..i stil wans 2 c him..i got noone 2 blame xcept myself..mayb tings realie don go our way..i stil got alot of tings left unsaid..i wan 2 tel him alot of tings..bt i cld nt bring myself 2 tel him juz nw..i wan 2 tel him hw much i love him..hw much i wan 2 b wif him til de end of my life..hw much he means 2 mi..i wil neva 4get de happiness he has given mi..de joy i neva feel..de feelings dat i feel wen i'm wif him..i wil neva 4get all dat..shoot..i'm cryin again..i neva knew it hurts soo much 2 lose him..nw..i'm treatin all dis s a nitemare..wat he said juz nw..wel..my aunt cme at 8+ juz nw..n she juz had 2 rub it in at dis time..she was askin mi over n over again wen i'll bring him 2 her hse 4 raya..i juz said raya has finish n she said havenlah..den i juz smile..
de pain is gg 2 kil mi 1 day..riah said dat mayb i'll find a beter guy den her cuz..bt i told her i doubt so..he's de 1 guy hum i nd..i love him so much..no matter wat he has done 2 mi(he hasnt done anythg 2mi)..i stil loves him..all my heart..riah asked wat if he has found sme1 new..wil i b hurt?of course i'll b rite..bt wat rite du i hav..if dat wil make him happi..if de girl cld make him happie..i'll giv dem my full blessings..his happiness is all i eva wan..i'll b happy if he's happie..rememba dear..wen u r happie..juz noe dat der'll b dis girl hu wil b happie 4 u..u make mi promise nt 2 let any1 take ur place..i wont..i don tink i deserve any1..i sudd feel so worthless..mayb i du..
wat wrong hav i eva done?i cant find de ans..izit bcoz i always talk 2 him..always went out wif him..make de electricity bill increase..wat else..if she wan mi 2 pay her back..i wil ok..i wil..i wil du anythg 2 get him back..bt if his heart no longer contains mi..its alrite..everythg cant b gg ur way rite..y did i noe him in de 1st place...y did all dis happen..i'm strong..i'll get ova it..my life wil b a damn lot happier...hope dat he's happi rite nw..atleast..fine...

Beary Hugzzz @ |10:58 PM|

chattin wif riah nw..luckily..i'm so lucky dat she's online..n msgin jeni...i'm so glad dey r here..wen i nd dem..i juz nd a listenin ear..wat riah say..wat jeni say..dey'll always b my true frens..jeni has always been der wen i nd her..she's my onli fren hum i can share my deepest trouble wif..she always understands mi n try 2 understand mi..god..wat has i done 2 myself..wel..wat i've been wantin 2 tel him..i aready did..i regret it at 1st..bt nw..no..i don tink i du..he finally told mi wat he's been wantin 2 tel mi all de while..tink he finally gt it over his chest..its juz dat wat he said hurts mi so damn much..ouch..i cant help cryin..bt tink i wont b able 2 cry nimore..my eyes hurt..so does my head..i cant describe de feelin wich i'm feelin..i juz feel terrible..it hurts..its so pain..i neva tot dis day wil cme..dis wil happen..he neva said anythg wrong..its juz dat it hurts mi..de words hurt mi damn much..bt wateva it is..i'll always love him..i wil always love him..no matter wat..

Beary Hugzzz @ |5:17 PM|

Kasih Berubah (Ferhad)

di angin lalu ku sampaikan kerinduan
wajahmu ku terbayang
bersama janjimu ku bawa dlm mimpi
ku bawa dlm mimpi
malam sunyi rasa sepi
ku dudok seorang diri
terbayang wajahmu di awangan
hidupku di perantauan
penuh dengan cobaan
namun kau tetap jadi pujaan
walaup ku cuba unt melupakan dikau
namun ku tak terdaya
kini ku selalu terkenangkan dirimu
oh sayang oh sayangku
alangkah hancur hatiku
bila pulang dari rantau
terlihat kau bersama teman baru
bertahun lama terpisah
kiranya kau telah berubah
janjimu hanya tinggal kenangan

*hatiku menangis dgn seribu pertanyaan
mengapa oh mengapa
dari jauh ku lihat kau berlalu pergi(**kasih berubah..di sampingnya)
berbahagialah di sampingnya
(kasih berubah)*(**)

Beary Hugzzz @ |2:53 PM|

life's juz gettin duller..i dono wat i'm realie searchin 4..or wat i wan..i don tink i wana stay hme..n since sch is openin real soon..i don tink i eva wana go back 2 sch..gosh..dats worse..so wat du i realie wan??i aso dono..wel..he msg mi yest nite..i missed it..i was outside coz my bro was on de phone..so i tot if he called mi up..my bro wil call mi instead of sayin i'm sleepin..wen i came back inside de rm..i received 1 msg n was kinda shocked 2 c 'Farhad's hP' s de sender..he said he was sorie he din call mi up de whole day s he was nt feelin wel..n say gd nite..wifout de i love u..wel..don mind dat..neva heard it 4 sme time nw niwae..i rep him back bt forgotten wat i wrote..waited 4 him 2 rep 2 say smethg bt he din..seriously..been cryin 2 slp dis few days..dono y..keep tinkin abt him..luckily my sis insisted dat we took a photo 2gether wen he cme my hse 2 take his keys aft his ncc..wel..my bro was in de photo 2..bt dats de best photo i hav of him..tink my eyes r swollen until nw..realie been cryin alot dis few days..wonder wat he's doin nw..i always ask myself cant he evn spared a min 2 call mi up..i juz nd 2 hear his voice..he said he was feelin unwel..even if mi..i noe howeva sick i m..i'll stil talk 2 de person i love..so..does he onli tink abt himself?i'm tired of waitin by de phone 4 his call..bt no matter hw tired n hw much i doubt he'll call..i'll stil wait..nw..i'm tinkin hw i'm gonna tel him abt wat i wan..de clear break-up..clean n clear..wat wil b his reaction..is dis de rite time 2 tel him..gosh..its eatin mi up...

Beary Hugzzz @ |2:38 PM|

Thursday, December 11, 2003

juz finish watchin ALWAYS ON MY MIND on chan 8..de story is abt de sars..wen de sars outbreak..n most of de show recordin is at tts hosp..oh my god..watch dat makes mi feel more guilty..i wonder y..bt i guess i noe de ans..i juz love de story..de storyline..de ators n actresses..n gosh..de story is so romantic..i actually cried juz nw on sme parts..tears juz welled up..hee..wel..stil thinkin abt it..every moment..every second of de day..shld i tel him face-2-face..or on de phone..or shld i tink abt it once mor n mayb 4get all abt dat n lead our lives s nw..bt guess i'd made up my mind..if he calls mi 2nite..i doubt he wil..i'll tell him..shld i???gosh..i realie dono wat 2 du..altho i told him i wont b waitin 4 his call..altho i doubt he wil call mi up..a part of mi stil belivs he will call..dono y..everytime de phone rings..i always hope its him..bt guess its juz wishful thinkin..altho i noe he wont call mi up..i'll always rush 2 pick up de phone..hopin i wil hear his voice..how foolish i m wen i tink back abt it..wel..abt de show ALWAYS ON MY MIND..i tink i've fallen in love wif de song s wel..its soo nice..it reallie is..i've fallen in love wif de show s wel s de song..

Beary Hugzzz @ |10:38 PM|

i feel so confused..mayb i've neva feel dis confused in my life b4..i'm realie so confused if i shld tel him abt de break-up..de formal real break-up i mean..i cant stand it anymor..he havent call mi yet..i din hear his voice since yest..or was it de day b4..i noe we've broken up..bt i wan de real break-up wer we onli treat each other s frens n onli dat..i've been tinkin alot abt dis..mayb it wil benefit us in sme ways..like wat his mum said..it wil benefit us in d long run..if we r realie fated 2gether..we wil b 2gether again in smetime 2 cme..bt de prob is i cant bring myself 2 tel him dat..2 ask him 4 a formal n a real break-up..i noe i stil du love him wif all my heart..bt i don tink i can stand it anymor..cant meet..cant even call..its worse den a long-dstance relationship..tinkin abt it..mayb he wil meet sme1 beter den mi..sme1 hu understands him mor..atleast much mor den i du..i noe..hu wld b so stupid s 2 giv away deir love ones..bt du i hav a choice...i don tink i eva understands him..s hw he wans mi 2 understand him..i noe he has always try 2 understand mi..its juz mi..de fault juz lies on mi n onli mi..i onli hav myself 2 blame..i noe..wen we used 2 talk..i'd always blamed him..hw stupid of mi..it always hurt him..i'd always hurt him..mor den any1 else cld eva hurt him..i noe i'm in de wrong..bt guess my ego was 2 high dat i wil neva admit my mistake..neva even wana say sorry..my ego was 2 high..2 much..nw..he's gg 2 b hurt again..wen i've told him i wan a clear break-up..i donwan 2 b in a relationship..juz frenship..dats all..
n yar..yest my big bro went kinokuniya n bought 4 mi de 'missing page'...i told him i've been searchin 4 de bk 4 mths..he actually asked his fren abt it n even went 2 search it 4 mi..den wen he found de bk..he called n asked if i wanna buy..i told him 2 buy it if he has $..he said he hav n so he bought 4 mi de bk..so sweet of him..de bk was quite ex..u noe mi..i don buy bks..buy bks onli like once a yr..usually i'll juz borrow..bt dis bk..its 4 him..he's been searchin 4 dis bk since i've known him..wel..juz a little gift frm mi..de second gift aft his bday present..his bday present kinda cost mi a bomb..hey..i'm nt workin yet u noe..gotta save up 2 buy him dat bag..bt i don regret it.. hee..gotta go 4 nw..wanna watch kopi-o wich starts at 5.30...

Beary Hugzzz @ |5:30 PM|

de song i joted down yest was 1 of de songs i'm attracted 2 nw..wel..it has quite alot of meanins..de lyrics i mean..isnt it true dat separation always happens to couples in love...de song suits mi rite nw..dats y i'm kinda attracted 2 it...
n u noe wat..i juz found out dat his mum had called my grandmama twice..i tot it was onli once..i heard it wen my grandmama actually talked to ibu on de phone..dey asked 4 his mum's num 2 call up n ask abt him bein in hosp..i mean if he's fine or nt..my grandmama even said 2 ibu dat wen his mum called up..dey talked 4 wuite a long time..wel..i realie wonder wat dey talk abt..wen i asked grandmama later..she said dey juz talk abt de common stuff..i asked wen she called again coz i tot she onli called up once..den my grandmama told mi durin hari raya..juz say selamat hari raya..wel..i was curious n probe even further..den my grandmama told mi dat she called up on de day we all went jalan raya..wich is on last thurs..hmm..she actually asked y we din go her hse..tink i'm nt ready..my grandmama sudd tel mi dat if u love her son..u muz love her s wel..i was kinda shocked..y did my grandmama sudd say dat..den i told her dat i neva say dat i don like his mum or wat..i neva told any1 dat..den my grandmama said smethg like 'den u ask abt her callin mi'..n all dat stuff.. i told her again i neva said i dislike her..realie..i don feel dat at all n i neva told any1 dat too..den my grandmama said dat his mum is nice..a gd person..den i asked hw did she noe n she said frm talkin 2 her..her voice..de way she talk..wel..i said..yar..she's a nice person..she realie is one..every1 hav deir gd n bad pts..bt i always beliv dat she did all dis coz she cares n luv her son..dats all..i always had wanted 2 tink at she is a gd mum..disciplinin her child strictly n de rite way..wel..i cld say dat..she's a gd mum..n i hope she always wil b 1...

Beary Hugzzz @ |4:23 PM|

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

gotta a song frm de cd 'lagu cinta paling romantis'

Perpisahan Terasing(KRU)

perpisahan itu
selalu terjadi
kepada insan yg bercinta
sungguh sedihnya rasa
apabila ianya terjadi
perpisahan bermula
dari dua hati
yg kehendaknya tak dituruti
ataupun manusia
yg berperasaan benci

**sebuah cinta dan harapan
menjadi debu berterbangan
tersekat nafasku kau buat
pandangan mata
amat tersiksa jiwa
kerna kehilangannya
woho mengapa
terus mengharap menanti
walau cukup ku sedari
yang kau takkan kembali
rintangan dari
orang yg tak sudi
menerima cinta dari hati ini
. . . .
membawa sentuhan hati yg sedih
**

perpisahan itu sungguh menyedihkan
tapi semuanya di tangan takdir
kita dikatakan pasangan bahagia
o kini terasing(luka)
o kini terasing
perpisahan. . .

Beary Hugzzz @ |10:55 PM|

i'd wanted 2 write on my blogger yest bt i hav no time...wel..yest wen i was doin de malay ten-yr-series s wel s watchin pck...wich is 8+...de phone rang..i picked it up n heard his voice..i was so shocked since i tot i'll onli hear his voice on fri note...if...he cld call mi up..so wen i heard his voice...i was like so shocked..at de same time happi...wel..i aready missed him..4 onli abt 1 day..i asked him wer he was n he said he was at tts hosp...i tot he went der 2 visit sme1 or wat..bt it seems dat he was de 1 admitted...2nd shock..wel..u wil noe de feelin of ur loved 1 in hosp..bt i noe he shld b doin fine since he can call mi up..his parents n anut juz cme home n so he called mi..he said dat his kidney was so pain dat he cldn't stand it anymor dats y he was sent 2 de hosp...altho i noe he'll b fine..i stil cant sleep at nite..keep rollon n turnin here n der on de bed at nite..bt stil fell asleep atlast..waited 4 him 2 call since i woke up bt he din..at 2+..receive a msg frm him usin his bro's hp..sayin he's aready at home..i dono y bt i was feelin quite angry..hey..i feel so bad since yest..i'd wanted 2 visit him..coz i'll feel so bad..de long journey..i don mind at all..bt i'm in no mood 2 meet his parents or any of his fam members..i actually waited 4 him 2 call coz i 4got his ward n wen he call i tot of askin..wel..luckily i din get ready since he aready cme home..smetimes i'm juz angry wif him coz i feel dat he din actually tink of mi..u noe..smethg like he always do tings wich concerns him n only him..i always doubt dat he eva tinks of wat i need..wat i wan..n wat i xpect..bt nw..gd dat he's home..he shld b feelin betta..
i noe dat he has juz recovered..mayb still feelin alot of pain..4 dis few days..i've been givin it a thot..2 cont s we r or 2 juz b frens n onli dat..we'll treat each other s onli frens..or mor like i treat him only s my fren n nothg mor..bt a part of mi wil always shout dat i cant do dat..wel..i cant afford 2 do dat n i noe i neva can..bt tink i nd a break rite nw..of all dis..of dis relationship i'm havin wif him..i dono whether i shld tel him or shld i nt..i noe he cant accept n he wil neva accept dis..bt i gt no other choice..i feel suffocated in dis relationship..suffocated wif his parents attitude n all dat stuff..of course noone noes dis..coz i told noone..nt even him..i donwan him 2 look at mi s sme1 hu hates his parents or wat..i don..i seriously dont..ders juz dis creepiness n worries wich i hav 2 face 2wards his parents..i cant b livin in dat fear all de while..i feel drowned..suffocated..breathless..i donwan all dis..i neva wan all dis in my relationship wif de person i love..2 mi..lovin him involves lovin his whole fam s wel..dats wat i'm tryin 2 do..i nd 2 talk 2 smeone hu wil understand mi..bt i cant find dat person..noone wil understand mi like hw i wana dem 2 understand mi..so i can only write down here..my blogger..of my true feelings..mayb i can talk 2 jeni..wel..she always mi abt my probs n all dat..n so du i..bt 2 bad she's nt in singapore rite nw..wel..giv her a break man..mayb she's tired 2 of my probs n all dat stuff..altho she always said she was nt n i'm her gd fren..bt nvm..i'll giv her a break n hopefully she's happi in her own place rite nw wif her fam members der..
wat i'm feelin rite nw..let it b kept in my heart n only mine..i neva wan ppl 2 worry abt mi n all dat stuff..i wil always look happi bt deep down inside..hu noes of de pain n sufferin i'm gg thru..its gonna choke mi 2 death 1 day..bt its alrite..i always tink dat dis is de price dat i hav 2 pay 4 a person 2 love mi so much..i noe dat he loves mi so much..mi 2..

Beary Hugzzz @ |3:21 PM|

Monday, December 08, 2003

life's been nice 2 mi...m i lyin 2 myself??i dono de ans..at times..life seems soo nice..at other times..u juz feel like leavin de damn world..
wat is love??izit pain??hurt??worries??wat is love??can any1 pls tel mi..define wat is love..wat izit realie abt??love is happiness..izit??love is everythg...izit??yar..love is everythg dat i eva noe..happiness..pain..hurt..worries..anger..jealousy..lies..laughter..cries..jokes..tears..everything!!everythg!!
y is love hurtin mi so much..y du i feel so hurt..so pain..wat is dis feelin inside of mi..its nt love..its nt..i don tink it is..no its nt..
dis few days..we hardly hav time 2 talk..nt realie mi..bt him..wel..mayb its my fault 2..i cme back late frm jalan raya dis few days..he din call mi at all on sat..wel..his parents took de phone 2 deir room..mayb 2 make sure he din talk 2 mi at nite..yest..he called mi wen i went jalan raya..i only get 2 talk 2 him at 12+ wen i cme home..juz talk 4 a short while..mostly..we wer arguing n keepin quiet..he told mi he gg 4 camp..4 5 days..5 days..its nt a short time..bt i noe i can stand it..so he cant call mi up 4 5 days..mayb dats beter..yup..tink positive..bt 4 dis few days..i've been cryin wen we r gg 2 put down de phone..i dono y..i've been askin myself bt i gt no ans..i cried so badly de last time i talked 2 him wich is dis morn..i realie dono y..
heard frm asyiqin dat he told her dat mi n him r no longer 2gether..i'm kinda hopin dat dey wil get back 2gether..dat mayb he tellin her dat wil make her tink n mayb accept him back..i dono y..i love him so much..yet i wan 2 c him wif another girl..i juz tink dey wil b happier 2gether..yup..mayb dey wil..
ppl may nt believe wen i say i realie love him..bt only God noes hw much i love him..its beyond words..wen de time cmes..if we r 2gether once again..if my life is longer..n his..i'll let him read dis..or if i passed away..i wld wan him 2 read dis..wat i feel..n all dat..juz wana him 2 noe dat i really love him..i neva love any guy s much s i love him..mayb de pain n hurt i'm feelin is de price i hav 2 pay 4 his happiness..i dono..i wil sacrifice anythg 4 him..juz one ting..de happiness n well-bein of my family..i love dem 2 much..bt dun get mi wrong..i love him s much..he's part of my life..
tinkin it thru..mayb we r fated 2 b 2gether..bt nt nw..mayb i wan 2 lead my old life..its time..wer i dun hav him in my life..mayb nw its realie time 4 mi 2 concentrate on my studies..xpecialy nw dat o'level is les den a yr..n MT o'level is abt 6 mths time..wen my o is done..wen a new chapter in my life has juz begin..i'll c hw everythg gets..if we both r meant 4 each other..nothg can change fate..we wil b 2gether..if ders sme1 out der hu is specially meant 4 him or mi..den we'll lead our own lives..bt we wil stil b frens..no matter wat..hehe..talkin abt all dis..u noe wat cme 2 my mind?his children..his kids hum he wil hav wif his wife..hueva she may b..hee..so cute..tink i'm gettin crazy...
bt howeva crazy i mite b..pls beliv mi..i love him..soo much..cant describe it..I LOVE YOU MUHD FARHAN AMRAN...hope he's fine n happy rite nw...

Beary Hugzzz @ |10:52 PM|

Saturday, December 06, 2003

its been quite a long time since i write on my blogger..its either i gt no time 2 write or no mood 2 write..tings hav been de same..wel..its hari raya n i kinda don hav much time 2 b on net..wifout bein disturb..hehe..wel..its my mum's bday 2day..HAPPY BDAY MAK..i had wanted 2 buy her smethg bt gt no time since its raya n most ppl don hav much time 2 go out..dono wen i'll buy her smethg..wel..i went out wif my sec frens on thurs..went 2 abt 6 houses..dey cme my hse first n den we went 2 my other frens hse..reach home at 11+..nearly 12..bt its alrite..suppose 2 go out 2day 2 zarifah hse at yew tee bt don hav mood n anyway mayb i gg out wif my fam...2day aso sat..n nw aso gt ppl cme my hse...juz nw aso..he aso go out wif his pri sch frens 2day..invited mi along bt of course i donwan..feel so awkward..don even noe any one of dem..den like so xtra der..
i realie dono wats wrong wif mi recently..evertime he wana put down de phone at nite..i feel so upset..so sad..dono y..i even cried yest..actually i'm de one hu asked him 2 hang up de phone n sleep..coz i donwan him 2 get scolded frm his parents..n worse..get beatings frm his mum..mayb i'm like dat coz recently we've talked only 4 a short time every nite..every nite i'll wait 4 him..at times..i'll wait til i fel asleep bt he din call...coz he's parents arent asleep yet..sometimes i feel we're gg far apart..bt i noe we're nt..i'll love him much mor i realize..bt smethg is disturbin mi inside..i dono wat..smetimes i feel so sad..smetimes scared..worried..determined..all dis mixed feelings wil cme and surround mi..i've long wanted us 2 b happy..hu donwan dat..bt it seems impossible rite nw..ders smethg wich i've been askin myself since de 3rd of nov..wat does his parents tink of mi??m i scared of his parents?or m i juz tinkin of all de bad pts of dem??i realie dono..mayb i m scared..angry..I DONO..i wonder wen his parents wil give their full blessings..xpecially his mum..i seriously hav always tried 2 understand dem..even nw..bt i dont get it..y r dey like dat..i stil can understand if dey..or mor 2 his mum..don like him 2 b in a relationship..bt y muz she treat him until it smetimes make mi wonder if she treat him like her own son..her own child..
i love him so much dat it always hurt mi wen smethg happens 2 him..i don even like it wen ppl talk bad or look negatively at him..i don bother all dat..hu r dey 2 judge him?dey don even noe him..he always say dat i'm de one hu always der 4 him..i guess i noe him most..bt at times..its juz so difficult 4 mi 2 show him hw much i love him..its even diff 2 say it at times..i noe i'd always hurt him..bt i always feel bad after dat..i'll even cry at times..i swear i had neva love another guy s much s i love him..i've long wanted 2 give up on him..2 b free once again..2 be soo far frm him..bt i cant..i tried bt i realie cant..i love him 2 much..soo much..i wont giv up my way 2 reach the happiness we wil both share 2gether..i'm sure we both can do it..i'm sure my parents n his parents..my family n his family..wil accept us fully one day..dey wil noe how much we love each other..we wont live wifout each other by our side..i dono if i eva wil change my words..opposite of all dis..bt i hope nt..he had sacrifice so much 4 mi..too much in juz a short time..we both love each other too much..too much dat i'm sure noone wil eva get 2 break dat bond btw us..

Beary Hugzzz @ |4:18 PM|

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